WARNING: This fic contains scenes relating to attempted suicide and rape. Its very angsty and very dark so if this is going to upset you please don’t read. I don’t like upsetting people.

Tom sat beside the stretcher in the ambulance, her cold hand in his own. Her eyes were closed, her cheeks drained of all colour as she battled for her life. A life that she had tried to end. A life that meant so much to him.

He had never seen her looking so small and vulnerable since he had known her. She looked so fragile lying on that bed. So unlike the Anita he knew and loved. Her rosy cheeks were white, such a contrast to her dark hair and her startling blue eyes that were closed as she hovered between life and death during that desperate journey to the hospital.

Oxygen was being forced into her lungs through an oxygen mask while her heart was being monitored, the slow beeping comforting to Tom, showing him she was still with him, although what damage had been done...he couldn’t even bear to think about that.

All he knew was she must have been in so much pain to do that. To put herself on this stretcher on the way to hospital, her body full of tablets that she had intended to end a life that she felt she no longer had the will to live. It tore at his heart to know she could see no other way out but to sit alone in her flat, as the rain poured outside and take those pills. To know that she couldn’t even reach out to him when she needed him most. But then that was his fault. She had told him she loved him just a little while previously in the bar and he had pushed her away. He’d brushed off her feelings because of his own fear, because he didn’t want to hurt her, but ultimately he had hurt her more than he could ever imagine.

He had made the beautiful woman that he had fallen in love with think that he didn’t love her, and those could very well be the last thoughts in her head if she succeeded in doing what she intended. If she slipped away from him and the life to which at the moment she was clinging on to by a thread. She could die thinking that she had never held his heart, that she had been alone in life. That she had no one, when truly he’d been hers since the very first moment they met.

A tear fell down Tom’s cheek as he clung onto her hand, hoping that from wherever she was at that moment she sensed the need he had for her to pull through. He had never felt so helpless in his life, every second feeling like an eternity as the ambulance sped to the hospital, as her condition worsened with every minute that ticked by. He could feel her slipping away from him, drifting further off into the abyss and he knew there was nothing he could do but hold her hand and pray they made it to Holby in time. Losing her would be losing the thing that made him feel human. That made him feel. When he was with her he felt love and hope, happiness and contentment. Without her.... It didn’t even bear thinking about.

Tom was shaken out of his thoughts by the paramedic who sat monitoring Anita's condition.

“Do you know what she’s taken?”

Tom looked at him blankly not registering anything that was going on around him. The only thing he could hear the sound of her heartbeat on the monitor. The only thing he could see was her laying on her bed at home, her eyes closed and a bottle of pills at her side.

“Mr Campbell-Gore do you know what she’s taken or how much? They’re going to need to know.”

Tom blinked and only then registered that the ambulance had stopped and the paramedic that had previously been driving had opened the doors ready to rush her inside to A&E.

“Mr Campbell-Gore...” the driver called again.

Tom looked at him having never felt so lost in his life. He handed over the empty pill bottle he had put in his pocket.

“I uh...I don’t know how many she’s taken but the bottle was empty. I think she’s taken a lot. I think she meant it.” He added sadly.

The paramedic looked at him sympathetically.

“You need to let go.” He told Tom looking at the wounded man who was still clinging to Anita's hand.

Tom kissed her hand, which was still enveloped in his own, and then put it tenderly down on the stretcher at her side. The paramedics immediately rushed her into accident and emergency to be assessed and treated.

Tom slowly stepped out of the ambulance and then froze, all the emotions that he had been bottling up on the way there forcing themselves out of his body. He fell down onto his knees as he began to sob, not caring who saw him. All he could think about, all he could see was her fragile figure and think what pain she must’ve been in, and all he could do was pray was that she could find her way back to him from the dark.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Tom felt as if everything was in slow motion as he watched the doctors and nurses rush around Anita. He saw them as they changed her into a gown, then put the tube down her throat to help clear the drugs from her system and he watched as her body convulsed as the charcoal did its job. He watched as they ventilated her and did the tests that were needed to save her life.

For the first time he understood what it was like to be on the other side of the fence. To want put every ounce of hope and faith in the doctors and nurses that were doing all they could for her. He also understood that sometimes that wasn’t enough. He had been a doctor long enough to know how dire this was. To know that there was a chance Anita may never recover. She had known what she was doing and he knew he might lose her.

Tom looked down at the floor, unable to watch any more. He couldn’t stand the thought of all of those tubes violating her body. He couldn’t stand knowing what was being done in there even if it was to save her. He couldn’t stand the people who worked there staring at him, knowing that one of their own was sick. He couldn’t stand any of this.

As he slid down the wall, his knees buckling he saw two familiar and concerned looking figures approaching him. Inwardly he sighed, thinking himself unable to be dealing with them as well as what Anita was going through.

“What are you doing here?” He asked them more sternly than he would have liked.

“Nurse Fairhead rang up to AAU to tell them an Anita Forbes was on her way up after a suspected suicide attempt. Of course that got some of the nurses gossiping and we heard.” Ric started. “Did she...I mean...did she mean to?”

Tom nodded sadly.

Diane walked over to Tom and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Tom, I’m so sorry.” She told him softly.

“You’re sorry? Sorry’s not going to make her better is it? I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell her I loved her. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better person. I am so sorry that she is laying in there on a ventilator right now fighting for her life. Damn it I’m just sorry.” Tom shouted, the whole department going quiet.

“This isn’t doing Anita any good. You can’t blame yourself for this.” Ric told him.

“If I can’t blame myself who can I blame? I can't bear to think how she must have been feeling to do this to herself. She must have felt so lost and I wasn’t even there to help her. I pushed her away when she was trying to reach out. She needed my help and I wasn't there Ric. How do you think that makes me feel?” He snapped angrily.

“It makes you angry. It makes you feel sad. It makes you wish you could do so many things differently. It makes you wish you could make it all better and take all of the bad things away.” Ric replied sadly glancing at Diane who was watching what was going on in resus. “I know exactly how it feels.” He admitted.

“How could you possibly know?” Tom replied angrily.

Ric put a hand on the mans shoulder.

“For once in your life trust me.” Ric replied noticing the tears in Diane's eyes as she watched.

Tom followed Rics gaze to Diane and frowned then nodded in silent understanding.

Charlie leaving resus with a doctor, who then spoke to them, interrupted the pair.

“Toxicology has confirmed Doctor Forbes took a large quantity of anti depressants. Now we’ve pumped her stomach and given her treatment to counteract the effects of the drugs in her system. We’ve ventilated her and have connected her to an ECG machine to monitor her condition.”

“The prognosis?” Ric asked.

“Miss Forbes is currently unconscious. When she’s stabilised we want to give her more tests to see if there’s any damage to the liver or any brain damage....”

“Doctor....”

“At the moment her condition’s critical. She took a large amount of drugs. We’re going to monitor her closely and do all we can but its touch and go. We’re sending her up to AAU where she can be monitored more closely. At the moment...I really can’t say.” The doctor told them.

Tom nodded shocked.

“Would you like to see her before we move her upstairs?” Charlie asked him.

“I don’t know if I can...I...” he started then changed his mind. “Yes. I uh...I should. She did this because.... I can't even begin to understand why but I know I was part of it...I made her feel alone. I’m not letting her be alone anymore.” He told them.

Charlie nodded and led Tom into resus.

Diane wrapped her arms around herself, tears in her eyes. She shivered.

Ric walked up behind her and put an arm around her tenderly. She leant into him.

“This must be hard for you.” He commented looking at her concerned.

“I’m okay. You don’t need to walk around eggshells just because someone's made a suicide attempt.” She told him angrily, then sighed. “I’m sorry I just...it brings it all back Ric.”

“I know it does.” He replied kissing the top of her head. “Seeing Tom...it brings it all back to me to.” He told her softly.

“I’m sorry.” She told him looking at him with tearful blue eyes.

“Don’t be. You’re here now, and that means more to me than anything. Do you have any idea how blessed I feel that I got you back? That you kept fighting?” He told her rubbing her back softly and watching as Tom leant down and kissed Anita's forehead. “Let’s hope Tom gets the same chance.” He added.

~*~*~*~

“Why’d you reckon she did it?” Kelly asked Lisa watching as she checked on Anita's condition, Tom having gone to get a coffee with Ed who had come down as soon as he had heard.

“I don’t know Kel.” Lisa replied as she connected Anita back up to the heart monitor and checked the tube that was helping her breathe. “It must’ve been bad for her to do this.”

“She doesn’t seem the type who would...you know...” Kelly whispered.

“And what exactly defines the type?” Came a voice from behind Kelly.

Kelly and Lisa turned around to see Diane standing there her hands on her hips.

Lisa looked at the floor.

“We were just....” Kelly started.

“Dr Forbes is a colleague and she’s a patient. I don’t know if you gossip like this about other people in a similar situation but if it were you in her place I assume you’d prefer for someone to respect your privacy.” Diane commented.

“Diane...” Lisa started.

“All kinds of people can get depressed. It doesn’t make them weak. It doesn’t make them a bad person. Sometimes people can‘t see any other way out.” Diane told them.

“But surely trying to take your own life...that's selfish.” Kelly told them.

“I respect that you have your own views but please can we stop this discussion? There are too many arguments on this subject and I’d rather not get into a debate while Dr Forbes needs our attention and care. Kelly it may seem selfish to you, it may seem selfish to others but personally I believe that Anita didn’t mean to hurt anyone doing this and we shouldn’t speculate on why this happened. Now if I’m not wrong aren’t you supposed to be working up on Keller?” Ric, who had entered just after Diane asked.

“Mr Griffin I...”

“I’m sure they’d love to see you back up on Keller nurse Yorke.” Ric told her.

“Yes Dr Griffin.” Kelly replied quietly looking at Lisa and then leaving.

Lisa began to check on Anita again.

“We’ll do that.” Ric told Lisa who frowned.

“Aren’t you off?” She asked.

“Tom’s a friend.” Diane told her.

Lisa nodded in understanding and then left them.

“What?” Diane asked looking at Ric who was looking very thoughtful.

“I’ve just got some results of some tests. We’re going to need to get Owen down here.” He told her sighing.

“Owen? Why?” Diane asked frowning.

“What’s the matter?” Tom asked them hurriedly walking towards them, worried by the looks on their faces. “Is something wrong? Is she deteriorating? What is it?” He asked.

Ric stood silently not knowing what to say.

“Damn it Ric tell me! If someone doesn’t tell me what's going on I’m going to lose it here.” He told them desperately worried for Anita.

“Tom calm down. Shouting isn’t going to get you anywhere.” Ed tried to calm him.

“No it’s not but it’s sure as hell making me feel a lot better.” He told them all. “She’s lying there, connected to god knows how many machines.... I’m a doctor and there isn’t a damn thing I can do.” He told them. “Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Do you?” He asked Ed seeming to forget about Ric and Diane's concern earlier.

“Yes actually I do. If you remember I had to stand there when Amanda was being born not knowing whether she was mine and I had to deal with her dying. I could have had a daughter and I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Ed retorted.

“With all respect I’d appreciate it if you’d all keep it down.” Lisa told them walking over and crossing her arms.

“Lisa’s right this isn’t helping anyone, let alone Anita who is the one we should be worrying about. Lisa could you call Owen down for me?” Ric asked softly.

Lisa nodded.

“Keep it down yeah?” She asked them, the group nodding as she left.

Tom turned to him.

“Why do you need Owen?” Tom asked frowning, crossing his arms.

“Tom I’ve just been given some test results from tests that were done on Anita when she came in.”

“And?” Tom prompted impatiently.

“And....Tom I don’t know if you’re aware of this...I’m not sure Anita was aware of this.... The test results indicate that Anita’s pregnant.” Ric told him softly.

“Oh god.” Diane whispered.

“Pregnant? Are you sure?” Tom asked.

Ric handed him the test results and Tom studied them. He than sat down on the edge of Anita’s bed and put his head in his hands.

“We need to get Owen down to make sure the baby’s all right.”

“But we don’t even know if Anita’s going to pull through this. If she...I could lose both.” Tom whispered.

Ed put a hand on Tom’s shoulder.

“If she’d have known...she would never...oh Anita.” Tom whispered stroking her hair back off her pale face unable to believe the events of the evening and wishing with all his heart he could do it over again.

~*~*~*

Tom sat with Ric and Diane as Owen and Rosie finished examining Anita. When they both came out of the room she was in the three Doctors stood up.

“The news, under the present circumstances, is good. The baby’s fine. It appears it wasn’t affected by the overdose.” Owen told them. “We’re going to have to keep a close eye on the pregnancy while Anita's here to ensure that there are no complications resulting from the trauma but it appears your baby is a fighter Tom.”

“Let’s hope its mother proves to be a fighter too.” Tom told them. “Thank you.” He told the pair who nodded sadly and then made their way back to maternity.

“Do you think she knew? Do you think that’s...” Diane started.

Tom glared at her.

“I don’t know what you think about Anita but she would never do that to her child. She can’t have known. Why has this happened? Why her?” Tom asked sighing and sitting back down. “I can't imagine.”

“Sometimes things seem too much that’s all. Sometimes it seems like there’s no way to turn and that things would be better off without you. It’s the lowest anyone can feel.” Diane told him.

“I just feel like I’m being punished.” He admitted.

“You shouldn’t. You’re not.” Diane reassured him.

“She’s lying in there unconscious, hooked up to all those machines carrying my child and she wanted to end her life, because of me.”

“You can't blame yourself.” Ric told him.

“She told me she loved me and I pushed her away. I went round to hers tonight to tell her I did love her and that I’d been stupid and I found her like this. What if she doesn't pull through? I can't lose her.” He told them tearfully, both seeing a side to Tom Campbell-Gore that they had never witnessed before.

Diane rubbed his back.

“There’s no point trying to place blame. It makes everything worse. All you can do now is be with her. She’s a strong person Tom.”

“She wanted this to work Diane. What if she hasn't got the will to fight?”

Diane looked at the floor.

“I need to be with her. Excuse me.” He told the pair getting up and entering Anita's room.

“I need to...I need some air.” Diane told Ric quietly.

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asked her concerned.

“No I uh.... I think I need to be alone.” She told him. “But thank you.” He told him leaning over and kissing the top of his head softly before walking off quickly down the corridor, Ric sensing that old wounds had been reopened and that Diane was going to need him more than she was letting on.

~*~*~*~

Tom sat down next to Anita and took her hand in his own. Softly he kissed it, then held it up to his cheeks, which were wet with tears.

“Oh sweetheart why did you do this? I am so sorry.” He told her kissing her hand again, his heart breaking as he saw how vulnerable she looked, and how fragile she looked connected to all those machines.

“I would give anything for you to open your eyes Anita. I’d give my own life just to be able to make everything better.... To take back my words...and to tell you...To tell you that I love you. God how I love you.” He whispered reaching out and touching her cheek.

“I love your beautiful eyes. I love the way they shine when you’re happy. The way your smile lights up the whole room and makes my heart feel like its going to burst with pride. I love that cheeky smile that you save just for me...and even though I told you I didn’t I love the way you can see me. You can see me better than anyone in this place can and its refreshing Anita because I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not with you.” He admitted, stroking a stray strand of hair off her cheek.

“Sweetheart if I could take everything back, all the game playing, and all the pushing you away I would. If I knew you were going to do this...if I knew you were hurting half as much as you were I’d just take you in my arms and hold you until I could make all that hurt go away. I’m not pretending I’m the best catch in the world, I’m not pretending it would have been easy but...I wish I could just have you back here with me, not laying in this bed struggling to live.” He told her sadly studying running a hand over his tired eyes but never letting her hand out of his own.

“You make me so happy Anita. You give me a reason to wake up every day. If I told you this when you were awake you’d probably be laughing and how stupid I sound right now but it’s the truth. You’re my reason for living. I’m sorry if I took your reason away. I’m so sorry if I drove you to this.... I just wish you could have come to me.... Like I feel like I can with you. You’re the only person I can go to. The only one who doesn’t think I’m a complete loser...or the only one who doesn’t say it...do you have any idea how much that means to me?” He asked her as if expecting an answer, unable to take his eyes off the woman that he loved, his heart aching as he thought of her, and how far away she seemed from him right now.

He took a deep breath as sobs threatened to overcome his body. All he wanted was for her to wake up. All he wanted was for her to be okay and to let her know he loved her and would be there for her from now on. He felt as if there was a part of him missing, slowly slipping away from him and he found it more unbearable than anything else in his life.

“Anita please, please don’t leave me.” He pleaded holding her hand up to his cheek as he began to cry, shocking any colleagues who passed with this human side they weren’t that used to seeing. “Please fight this. Fight to live. Fight for me.... Fight because I love you so much.” He told her.

He reached out a hand and placed it gently on her stomach.

“We’re having a baby Anita. Did you know that? There’s a baby growing right where my hand is now. Our baby, and it’s fine sweetheart. It’s a fighter. So you see you have to keep fighting because I want you back and I want this baby and I want to take care of you both. I know it probably seems too quickly to tell you how much our baby means to me.... I don’t know whether you knew about our child and that was.... You’re going to be a mother Anita and... And I just wish I could tell you it’s all going to be okay. I wish I could just...I need you Anita. Please god please...” he whispered tearfully breaking down and laying his head on the bed. “For the first time in my life I’m really happy. I’m going to be a daddy, I have her...please don’t take it all away.” He pleaded sobbing into the sheets, the sound of the heart monitor the only sound now in the room except for the sound of a wounded man shedding desperate tears.

~*~*~*~*~*

Diane Lloyd stood on the hospital roof shivering, as the bitter air chilled her to the bone. She was still in the same top she had been wearing at the bar previously and it wasn't exactly the best thing to be wearing when it was so cold outside that her whole body was now covered in goose bumps.

She had to get out of there. Out of the place that was that night, bringing all the pain and suffering of previous years back to her. Unlocking the memories that had haunted her life. The memories that she knew tore Ric’s heart apart as well as her own. They were memories of a time when she was broken, when she had been torn into a million pieces and feared she could never put herself back together.

She hadn't been able to see any other way except to take those pills, to try and end the life which had been shattered when that man had raped her and stolen a part of her that could never be replaced. She had been so happy; she was with Ric, a man who loved her so much and a man who she adored with every ounce of her heart, but then that one night.... That night had destroyed her.

Ric had tried so hard after that.... So hard to take care of her and be there for her. She remembered waking up in hospital after the man, who was now in prison, had attacked her. After he had held her down and violated her, to see Ric sitting there, a shattered man, so worried for her, his heart broken that she had to suffer like she had.

For weeks she’d had nightmares and she could slowly feeling the will to keep fighting slipping away from her, just like she felt herself slipping away from Ric. She was becoming quiet and withdrawn and it scared her but nothing scared her as much as the fact that she could see herself drifting away from Ric but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop it. She loved him so much and she could see that he was doing everything he could to support her, to reassure her that everything would be all right and that he loved her, but that night had changed her. It had made her frightened, a shadow of the person she once had been and so when it finally became too much she had taken pills, the same as Anita had that very night, and had laid on the bed her and Ric shared waiting.

Seeing Tom that night really had hit her hard. Like Anita she had been unconscious when she was wheeled into hospital out of the ambulance. She could remember nothing except for laying on her bed praying that the pain and torment that raged inside her would disappear before everything turned to black, but seeing Tom and how distraught he was made her think of Ric. She knew he had gone through hell the night she had been admitted, she knew he had blamed himself, she knew how hurt he was. So hurt that she had come round to see him crying at her side. A man who was usually so strong.

Tonight she saw the same hurt in his eyes as he watched Tom, as he saw Anita, as he saw her battling with the past and remembered a time which had ultimately driven them away from each other. She saw in Tom’s actions the torment Ric must have endured with all the waiting as he tried to understand what had made the woman he loved try to take her own life. Why things were so bad she didn’t feel she could go to him, and it made her feel guilty. So guilty because she knew she had really hurt him, because she could see the anguish she must have brought to him, because as much as she wanted to, back then she couldn’t go to him with everything she was feeling, and instead chose a life without him instead of with him. And she felt so guilty now because she could see how much he was still hurting.

They hadn’t split up because of a lack of love back then. After the overdose Ric had been incredible. Throughout their relationship he had been the most caring, understanding and tender man she had ever met, after the rape he had done everything he could to reassure her she would never, ever be alone, and would be there anytime she needed him and after the overdose he was by her side throughout everything, throughout the counselling, throughout her recovery, and he never complained. He never once got angry. Even when she was trying to make sense of things and was having an off day he never lost patience. And yet still she found herself slipping away from him, the man she would always love, and it tore her apart. And so she had left. When he had proposed she had just left him because she felt undeserving of him, because as much as she loved him, everything she’d been through had changed her and she needed to make that break away.

Since she had come back Diane had realised that the love they had shared was something that had never gone away. Throughout her time back at Holby, Ric had been the one person she could rely on. The one person she could really turn to about her abortion and losing Steve, about everything. He was always there no questions asked just like before and Diane realised that having him there in her life was a blessing. She also realised just how much she had taken him for granted, and that hurt her. So many times he had been there for her, and all her pain must have hurt him so badly.

That night she had seen the pain the suicide attempt had caused him, and the worry he had for her seeing someone close to them in the same position. To do what she did she had been so desperate and so scared, but she never imagined the worry that had affected and still affected Ric.

Diane rubbed her hands up and down her arms as she shivered violently, but no matter how cold it was she couldn’t go back inside. Not yet anyway.

She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes, flashbacks of that night many years ago, which had been so similar to this. Flashbacks of waking up connected to all kinds of machines with a worried Ric at her side, knowing that she was going to have to live with the pain for longer. Flashbacks of the attack that brought it all on. Flashbacks of leaving the man she loved behind, flashbacks of taking the pills, a photo of Ric at her side so he would be the last one she saw before...

Diane rested her head in her hands, the tears coming no matter how hard she tried to stop them from falling. She didn’t hear the figure come up behind her, she just felt herself being pulled into his arms and a tender kiss on the top of her head. She breathed in, comforted by the scent of his aftershave.

Ric could feel her body shaking against his as she cried. He rubbed her back softly not knowing what else to do.

“Oh Diane.” He whispered. “Hey it’s okay. I’m here. I’m right here.” He soothed. “I was worried...I thought...”

“You thought seeing Anita would push me over the edge.” She finished between sobs.

“This must be so hard for you.” He whispered softly kissing her head. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be.”

Diane looked up at him, the tears that were wet on her cheeks glistening under the light of the stars.

“Believe me you don’t even want to try and imagine Ric.” She admitted.

She took a deep breath, ready for the first time to open up about the past.

“Seeing Anita...I was so desperate then. I didn’t know what else to do. When that guy...when he raped me...” she started, her voice breaking.

The look on Rics face as soon as she said that word broke her heart. He couldn’t bear to think about what had happened to her, and they had never really gone into much detail about it before. It seemed to hurt him almost as much as it hurt her.

“When he raped me...” She said again “He took a part of me away. He took me away from you because I was so scared Ric...I wanted so badly for everything to be the way it was before but because of him I just...I couldn’t get close again and it scared me. I loved you so much but I was drifting away and that hurt me so badly that I didn’t want to live anymore. I was hurting myself and I was hurting you and there wasn‘t a thing I could do to stop it.”

“What hurt me more was that you couldn’t come to me Diane. Do you know how much it pained me to see you like that? To see you trying to live every day with all that hurt and pain by yourself because he made you frightened to be near me? And then you tried.... You wanted to leave me Diane but you wanted to do it in a way that I just.... I could never understand. That broke my heart.” He told her. “Every day I could see you slipping away but none of that hurt could even match up to what I felt when I saw how bad thing’s must have been. When I found you on our bed unconscious with all those pills gone... I thought you were dead Diane. I thought I’d lost you then. And I did lose you didn’t I...in the end.”

“Ric...” She whispered sadly.

“I loved you, and when we were in that ambulance I had to know that you’d taken those pills because you wanted to end your life. A life that I was part of. I watched them pumping your stomach, I sat with you for hours afterwards and with every minute that ticked by I felt so guilty that anything I had done since the attack had done absolutely nothing to help you. I knew as soon as I saw you when you woke up that you would never want me Diane. I knew I could never make up for everything bad that happened while you were with me.”

“I never stopped wanting to be with you. That was why I did it. Ric I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life...but I was a mess. I didn’t want you to go through all that. I thought...I guess I thought you’d be better off without me. It was never love that was in question. It was the fact I couldn’t let myself love anyone after that attack. I couldn’t even like myself.”

“What he did to you.... It was terrible and I can understand how hard it must’ve been but Diane you should’ve come to me. I could've tried to help you. I loved you so much, too much to let you take away the one thing that's more precious to me than anything in the world...except for Jess and the kids of course...but you know what I mean.” He told her with a small smile. “I’m sorry if that sounds selfish. I saw how much you were hurting, though I could never have guessed exactly how much. I just never want to lose you, and that day I came so close.” He told her regretfully, taking in every detail of her face that was lit up under the light of the stars.

Diane looked into his brown eyes and could see unshed tears. She cupped his cheeks in her cold hands. They were warm against her palms.

“I’m sorry.” She told him tearfully. “I don’t think before now I ever really considered how hard it must have been for you. I know I was hurting so much I could barely breathe, but seeing Tom in there tonight just made me realise...Ric I’m so sorry. It was never your fault. I‘m sorry you had to see me like that. It wasn‘t because I was trying to get away from you. I was trying to get away from me.” She told him honestly.

“But you still left me Diane.” He told her quietly. “I’ve always felt like I should have tried harder to be there for you. To stop you from taking those pills.”

“You couldn’t have stopped me honey. I couldn’t stop me. I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop myself from feeling my heart shatter every time I looked at you because I wanted you so much but he took me away from you...he made me frightened to get close to you again, he made me hate myself. God Ric you were so great when the attack happened...when I made the suicide attempt and I knew with all my heart that I could trust you. I just didn’t dare to and I hated myself for that. I hated myself for not being able to let myself love you.”

“I hated myself for not being able to help you.” Ric retorted frustrated. “I still feel guilty for that. You were my world and still there wasn’t anything I could do to prevent you from wanting to take your life like that. Every day I see you I remember you laying on our bed so pale...” He told her sadly. “And it hurts because...you’re so beautiful and you’re so smart and sweet and if you weren't here it would be like a light in my life had gone out. You should never, ever not like you Diane because you...you....” He started before breaking down.

“Shush, its okay.” She told him wrapping her arms around him glad that they had gotten all of these emotions from the past out.

“But it’s not. You’ve gone through so much. You didn’t deserve any of that.” He told her, angry at the world for throwing all the bad things at her that it had.

“Either did you.” She told him, tears falling freely from her blue eyes.

“I was so scared you’d do it again. I was so scared I’d end up losing you all over again...but then did I ever really get you back? I mean we talk, we’re close but there was Danny, then Steve, then Tom and Alex.... And I‘ve just stood aside like nothings ever happened trying to be happy for you.”

Diane put a finger over his lips and brushed the teardrops off his cheeks.

“You never lost me Ric. You’ve had me since the very day we first met. I left you then because I needed to. I needed to distance myself from you to see if I could let myself love you again. Can you understand that?” She asked him.

Ric stood silently just listening.

“You never need to question what I feel for you. All those times I was with Danny, or when I was with Steve, they were never anything like what we had. What we had was real. It was real love. I could never have asked for someone as supportive or caring as you and even if I did have to leave, even if I did take those pills...god it never meant I didn’t love you. You’re the most important person in my life. Why’d you think I went to you about Steve...about my baby? Why do you think I wanted you there then?” She asked.

“Because I was the only mug who would be there no questions asked?” He told her raising an eyebrow and with a small smile.

Diane swatted him playfully, then put a hand over his heart.

“Because I love you. And tonight I realised just how much you must’ve loved me to go through all that with me.”

“I never stopped.” He told her softly. “I’ll always, always be here right when you need me.” He told her.

“I know.” She replied. “I love you Ric. Thank you.” She told him shyly, waiting for his reply.

Ric leant down and kissed her softly on the lips.

“Anytime sweetheart.” He replied. “God Diane you’re freezing.” He commented noticing the goose bumps that covered her arms and rubbing his hands up and down them.

“I couldn’t stay in there anymore. It brought it all back. Waking up and facing the world again after that was the hardest thing in the world. I’d never want to go through that again. To do all that explaining and self-analysis. It kinda makes you feel worse than the actual...it‘s just hard.”

“I can't imagine how hard. All I remember feeling is just how blessed I was that you came back to me. I didn’t really want to think about how you must’ve been feeling. It was too difficult.” He admitted.

“I know. It was for me too. I knew you wouldn’t be able to understand so even then I kept it to myself.”

“I’m sorry you felt you had to do that.” Ric told her regretfully.

“Hey it was my choice.” She told him stroking his cheek tenderly. “It was never anything personal. You were the only good thing I had going in my life. You still are.” She told him.

“Diane I’m no catch.” He told her. “You, you have a good job, you’re great at what you do, a great surgeon, a terrific person, you’re beautiful and smart...you have everything going for you. Lots of good things.” He reassured her.

“But I always had one thing missing. I love my job Ric; I have to say I don‘t think I'm beautiful or smart.” She told him giggling. “But thanks anyway and yeah I suppose in a lot of ways there are good things. But I still lost Steve, I still treated him badly and I still terminated my child...I still had the one thing missing in my life that would make me happy again even though it was right here under my nose.” She told him.

“And what's that?” He asked her shyly.

“You, silly.” She told him smiling. “Through everything that's gone on in my life you’ve been my constant and I’m so grateful for that. I was then even if I didn’t show it. You were the last thing I wanted to see when I made that attempt, you were the first one that I saw when I came round. It meant more to me than anything.” She told him sincerely, shivering violently.

Ric took off his jacket and put it over her shoulders.

“You have more faith in me than I do.” He told her smiling.

“I have every reason to.” She replied. “Now you’re shivering.” She commented noticing Ric now suffering with the cold.

“I’m fine.” He reassured.

“You’re not.” She replied.

“You feel like going in yet?” Ric asked her.

Diane looked at the ground and shook her head.

“Not really.” She replied with a whisper.

“Wait here.” Ric told her letting go of her and making his way back inside.

Diane snuggled into his jacket, breathing in his scent. A few minutes later she heard footsteps behind her and saw Ric approaching with a blanket.

She looked at him confused.

“What, are you going to smother me?” She asked him sarcastically with a cheeky grin appearing on her face.

“No I’m going to cuddle you.” He replied walking up behind her and wrapping the blanket around the both of them, his arms wrapped around her protectively holding the blanket tightly around them and his chin resting on top of her head.

Diane leaned back into his chest entwining her arms in his under the blanket feeling calmed by his being there with her.

“This is nice.” She told him tilting her head so she could look into his eyes.

“It is.” He agreed. “Don’t you ever miss this?” He asked her.

“All the time.” She told him softly. “I never feel as safe with anyone else as I do with you.”

Ric kissed the top of her head.

“So what do we do now?” He asked her tenderly.

“You know through of all the bad stuff that's happened to me; you were the one who I could always rely on. You were always there, taking care of me with no questions asked. Even when I was pretending to be strong you knew I wasn't really, because you know me. You really know me, better than any person here. You're my best friend and I don’t want to lose that Ric.” She told him.

Rics face fell. There it was. Standing in front of him was the woman he loved with all his heart, who he would do anything for and she just wanted to be friends. He sighed, but then he supposed, it was better to have her as a best friend than not to have her at all.

“But then when we were together before, you were my best friend too. You were my best friend and you were my lover, and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. What happened to me may have made me scared. It may have made me run, but I’m so sick of running. I don’t want to run from you anymore Ric.” She told him quietly.

“Then don't.” He whispered as he leant in to kiss her, the first kiss of many more between the couple who had been in love since the very moment they met.

~*~*~*~*~*

Tom lay with his head on the bed, his eyes closed as he drifted off into a restless sleep. The only sound in the room was the soft sound of his breathing and the gentle and steady beep of the heart monitor that was connected to the woman he loved.

Jess entered the hospital room looking at the fragile man who was lying asleep with his head at Anita's side sympathetically. She made her way over to Anita to check her obs.

“Were things really that bad?” Jess whispered saddened to see the once so vibrant and happy woman now laying there looking so pale and haunted.

About to leave Jess was startled by movement coming from the bed. She immediately ran over to Anita's side to see the young woman groggily opening her piercing blue eyes and looking around the room disorientated. She then weakly lifted her hand to her throat wincing in pain because of the tube that had been put down there to help her breathe.

Looking around the room, her eyes settling on Tom who was asleep restlessly, Anita began to cry.

“Anita calm down.” Jess told the young woman who was now struggling against the tube in her throat. “It’s there to help you breathe.”

Anita still continued to struggle.

“I need some help in here.” Jess shouted, waking Tom up.

“What’s going on?” He asked looking over at Anita worriedly. “Anita?” He whispered unable to believe his eyes. “How long ago did she wake up?”

“Just a couple of minutes ago. Look could you help me? She’s struggling against the tube and its going to hurt her.”

Tom got up and went to stand at the head of Anita's bed. Gently he placed a hand on the top of her head stroking her fringe away from her eyes, which were wet with tears.

“Anita I need you to stop struggling.” He told her soothingly. “Please your body’s been through enough stress. Everything's okay now.” He told her trying to reassure her.

She looked up at him with her bright blue eyes, which shone with tears and sadness and stopped struggling.

“That’s my girl.” He whispered watching as Ric and Diane entered the room.

“Anita hi.” Diane said softly.

Anita shut her eyes unable to stand the pity in Diane's voice. She gripped Tom’s hand for support.

He gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.” He told her kissing her forehead again, Anita wondering how things were ever going to be okay anymore.

~*~*~*~*~

Anita and Tom sat in silence as everyone left the room. The tube had now been removed from Anita's throat and she was lying quietly on the bed staring up at the ceiling, unable to look Tom in the eye. The heart monitor was still beeping rhythmically, the only sound in the room. Neither knew what to say to each other, and slowly it was tearing them apart.

“Water...” She whispered softly. “Tom...”

Tom walked over to the cabinet by her bed and poured some water into a glass. Gently he sat down beside her and held it to her mouth as she took a sip.

“Better?” He asked.

Anita nodded pained, resting her head back on the pillow.

“How do you feel?” He asked her quietly.

“Like hell.” She replied simply and croakily. “It hurts where they.... It hurts.” She said simply. “But I guess it’s what I deserve.” She whispered.

“Of course it’s not.” He replied immediately. “You don’t deserve any of this.”

“Who...? You found me?” She asked him quietly.

“I did.” He replied, a haunted look filling his eyes. “I was worried about you so I went to yours.”

“Right.” She replied a little sarcastically.

“It’s the truth Anita. God why else would I be here?” He asked.

“Because you feel guilty? You found me and you think its your fault. It’s all about you.” She told him angrily then starting to cough.

Tom passed her the water again.

“That’s not fair Anita.” He replied.

“Isn’t it?”

“No it’s not.” He replied angrily. “When I saw you lying there I felt so helpless. I felt so sad and yes I’m sorry. I’m sorry if it was me who made you do this. Who made you so sad...but this is not all about me. This could never be about me. God Anita why?” He asked her tearfully. “Why do this to yourself? Why?”

Anita turned away from him, tears filling her eyes.

“Were things really so bad?” He asked her.

Anita just sat silently, not even being able to explain.

“Okay, fine, if that’s the way you want it.” He told her. “And the reason I’m here is because I love you. Because I realised how stupid I was letting you leave thinking that I didn’t love you back. So I came to find you. I came to tell you that I loved you. And then I found you on the floor with those pills...and do you know how desperately I wanted you to live? So much that I actually prayed...and I don’t do that Anita. And now you’re here, you’re awake and I want to understand. And I want you to know I love you.”

“You’re saying that because you feel guilty.” She told him quietly.

“I’m saying it because it’s true Anita. Damn it why won’t you believe me?” He asked her.

“Because I’ve been through this before. I’ve been in a relationship where I've been pulled in so many directions that I didn’t know where I stood. I got hurt then. I was so in love with someone and he hurt me, and not just mentally Tom he really hurt me, physically and... I don’t want that happening again. He always used to say he loved me after he hurt me but he only said it so I’d be lulled into some sense of safety and go back to him and it just happened over and over until...”

“Oh god Anita, why didn’t you tell me? I would never hurt you. Not physically and never emotionally, not intentionally. You should know that, god I love you.”

“You say that now but how can I trust that Tom? You couldn’t even say it to me earlier.”

“Because I was scared.” He replied.

Anita turned to face him and could see the upset in his eyes.

“I just couldn’t go through that again. I couldn’t keep pretending to be strong when I was just barely trying to handle things. I love you Tom but these game’s...they’ve been fun yeah but when it comes down to it I love you and it just seemed...it seemed like it wasn’t real. Like you didn’t really feel it. It felt like the past all over again and it was breaking my heart.”

Tom sat down at her side and cupped her cheek.

“But it’s not that again. I promise you. I really do love you. Would I be here if I didn’t?” He said quietly. “Would I have come after you? Would I have sat here for hours just praying for you to wake up?”

Anita coughed and Tom grabbed the water and held it to her mouth so she could drink some.

“Take it easy.” He soothed easing her forwards a little so she could drink easier and rubbing her back gently.

Anita sipped the water.

“I just...I wanted to stop being scared. I wanted you but I wanted to stop hurting about what happened before. I didn’t want to feel like it was happening again. Not when I cared so much.”

“You should have come to me.” He told her softly.

“Tom you have your own problems.” She replied.

“And I share them with you. That’s the reason I can deal with them, because of you.” He told her softly.

“I’m sorry you had to find me.” She told him taking his hand in her own and squeezing it.

“And I’m so sorry I pushed you away. You know me; I’m not good with my feelings.” He told her.

“You’re doing pretty well now.” She told him quietly.

“That’s because I nearly lost you, and not telling you now is not acceptable.” He replied.

Anita lay back against the pillows and breathed deeply.

“Did you really want to die?” Tom asked her quietly.

He looked into her eyes and saw her answer.

“If I’d have lost you....”

“Shush.” She told him kissing his hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” She told him tearfully.

Tom lowered his head so he wasn’t looking at her and settled his eyes on the floor.

“Um, they’re sending a psychologist down to talk to you a bit later, and Owens coming up to have a look at you as well.” Tom told her quietly.

“I wonder how long it’ll take before people start questioning my competency in my job? Want to place a bet?” She asked trying to lighten the situation. “Sorry.” She added when she saw Tom wasn’t smiling.

“I’m just worried about you that’s all.” Tom told her.

“I’m a big girl.” She told him. “You don’t need to worry. It’s not your place.”

“Of course it is.” He told her angrily. “I love you. You’re the mother of my child; of course it’s my place!” He shouted pacing around the room.

“What did you say?” Anita asked him sitting forwards in her bed, her blue eyes wide.

Tom turned to face her.

“I love you.” He replied.

“After that.” She told him.

Tom walked back over to her, sat on the side of the bed and took her hands in his own.

“Anita when they did the tests when you first came in...One of them was a pregnancy test. It was positive.” He told her softly.

Anita sat there open-mouthed.

“You didn’t know?” He asked her barely audibly.

“Of course I didn’t know.... Oh my god what did I do? My baby...oh Tom...” She whispered tearfully.

“They’ve done an ultrasound and examined you. The baby’s doing fine.” He replied.

“I can’t believe I’m pregnant. How could I have not known? I could have killed my child. Tom I would never have.... This is our baby...Oh god.” She whispered hysterically.

Tom looked at her as she tried to desperately comprehend the fact she was pregnant and that her action could have had serious consequences for her unborn child. She was struggling so hard.

“You must hate me.” She told him softly.

“Of course I don’t hate you.”

“But this is your baby.”

“Lets not think about what could have happened. Our baby’s fine. That’s what we should be concentrating on.”

“But I was so selfish. If I’d have known...it’s my child Tom. I would never hurt our child.”

“I know.” He told her kissing her hand. “But all the what ifs aren’t going to change anything. If anything they’re going to stress you more and that's not good for you or the baby.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” She told him tearfully. “I do love you.” She told him bursting into tears. “I’m just...I’m sorry.”

“Hush.” He told her pulling her into his arms. “We’re going to get through this. You and me. Together. You hear me?”

“I just so wanted...I was so down...I never meant to...what if my baby dies? It’ll all be my fault.” She asked him.

Tom rubbed her back not knowing what to say his emotions such a mess after everything that had happened that night.

“I don’t want to lose our baby Tom.” She told him tearfully.

“I know sweetheart. I don’t either.”

“And I don’t want to lose you.” She told him softly.

“And you won’t. I’m here because you’re my world Anita Forbes. Don’t you ever forget that.” He told her honestly. “And the baby’s doing okay.” He reassured her.

Anita sniffed and buried her head against his chest.

“Look I know this is a lot for you to take in and I want to be here but I’ve been at this hospital for hours and I really need to pee.” He told her smiling, Anita smiling in response. “Did you want me to get you anything from the shop while I’m walking about?” He asked her playing with her hair.

“How long am I going to be in for?” She asked him quietly.

“They need to do more tests on your liver to see if there’s any damage. Maternity want to keep an eye on the baby and they want a psychologist to talk to you. Probably a day or two.”

Anita nodded.

“Could you get a toothbrush and toothpaste, a flannel? That sort of thing?” She asked him.

“Of course. I’ll be back in a little while.” He told her leaning down and kissing her tenderly. “Anita, if thing’s ever get that bad again, you tell me okay? I’m not sure I could go through this again. Seeing what they did to you to make you better...even though I‘m a doctor and I‘ve seen it before...I don‘t think I can forget that.” I don’t want you to go through this again.” He told her kissing her again before leaving the room.

Anita lay back on the bed, her eyes filled with tears. She put a hand on her stomach.

“Please don’t let me lose this baby.” She pleaded with no-one in particular, flashbacks of the night replaying in her mind and worry for her child accompanying each and everyone.

~*~*~*~*

Diane Lloyd entered Anita's room quietly not sure what to say. She had been where Anita was before and wanted to make her understand that she didn’t have to go through this alone, but that night had brought so much of Diane's past back to her and she didn’t know how to even begin to handle it.

“Anita...” Diane called softly.

Anita opened her eyes and looked up at Diane.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Diane asked her quietly.

“Why? Is something wrong?” Anita asked her worriedly.

“No, everything seems to be okay. I just; I wanted to talk to you.” Diane told her.

Anita looked at her puzzled.

“So can I...?” She asked motioning to the chair.

Anita nodded.

“Has Tom put you up to this?” Anita asked Diane frowning.

“No. He has no idea I’m here.” Diane replied. “He cares so much about you. He nearly started a fight earlier because he was so worried.” Diane told the young woman.

“I know. I don’t think I really realised until I saw his eyes when I came around. They were haunted. It was horrible.”

“He saw the woman he loved at rock bottom, it will haunt him. It haunted Ric too.” Diane told Anita softly.

“Ric Griffin? What?” Anita asked.

“Ric and I were together a long time before I came back to Holby. We were really in love you know? I was young, there was an age difference but it didn’t matter to us because we loved each other and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Anyway after about 7 months together I was attacked and raped while I was out one night. Some guy came up behind me and grabbed me and... He forced himself on me.” Diane told Anita tearfully.

“Oh god.” Anita told the other woman reaching out for her hand and taking it in her own.

“I blacked out I think because the next thing I remember was waking up in hospital with Ric at my side, and his face...my god he was so scared, and so angry with that guy and so sad for me. He was an angel afterwards, he took care of me, he was there through the nightmares, through the tests and he never, ever walked away when I needed him. He was hurting just as much as I was I think at seeing what I was going through but he stayed strong for me. Because of that guy though I was so scared and I began to drift away from the one man that had been my constant. I loved him with all my heart but I couldn’t get close because of the rape, because this man had made me afraid of the one man I’d love forever.” She told Anita tearfully.

“Anyway one day I just snapped. I didn’t want to be afraid to love Ric anymore. I wanted my life back but I knew it couldn’t just happen and I was so sick of the nightmares and the fear. So like you I took pills and I lay on our bed and I waited to die. Of course Ric found me, he brought me to hospital and I survived. I fought and got through it all with his help...but then I left him because I was young and scared and my whole life was changed because of that one attack.”

“I had no idea.” Anita told her.

“Not many people do. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know how it feels to want to take your life. I know how desperate you feel and I know what its like to see the person you love caught in the middle. You and Tom, you’re meant for each other and I remember how hard this all is for you right now but I just...don’t lose the person you love like I did. You may get him back eventually but so much time is wasted because of fear. Don’t run away from him because you’re going to need him. Talk to him and if you ever want to talk to someone who understands then come and find me.... Or Ric. I just wanted to tell you you’re not alone...and I understand.” Diane told her softly.

“Thank you. Diane really thank you.” Anita told her gratefully.

“It’s no problem.” Diane replied with a small smile, glad some help could come out of her personal pain.

Anita winced.

“Everything okay?” Diane asked rushing over to her.

“It’s fine it’s...” Anita started before wincing again. “Ow.” She uttered through gritted teeth, tears stinging her eyes.

“It doesn’t look fine. Where does it hurt?” Diane asked her worriedly.

“It’s cramp. It’s the baby. My stomach.... Something’s wrong with my baby.” Anita told her, her eyes full of fear.

Diane pulled back Anita's sheets to see blood on the covers.

“Oh my god.” Anita whispered wide eyes. “I’m losing my baby aren’t I? This is my fault.”

“Calm down Anita. Try and stay calm for me okay/” Diane told her pushing the call button above Anita's bed, Lisa rushing in.

“We need Owen and Mubbs now!” Diane screamed.

“Help me. Please help me!” Anita pleaded grabbing Diane's hand. “I want Tom. Can someone please find him?” She asked. “He was going to the toilet and then the shop...please...I need him here.”

Diane rushed to the door and spotted Ric. She looked at him tearfully.

“Diane?” He asked worriedly walking towards her. He then saw Anita on the bed; her legs covered with blood, nurses running in as Mubbs and Owen were on their way.

“Can you find Tom...and hurry? Try the shop and the gents.” She asked him.

Ric nodded then touched her cheek and kissed it. Diane rushed back into the room as Ric made his way down the corridor. She grabbed Anita's hand.

Anita looked up at her, her eyes wide with fear.

“Tom’ll be here soon.” She soothed hoping with all her heart there would at least be some happy ending for Anita and Tom that night.

~*~*~*~*

Ric Griffin entered the room a little apprehensively; not knowing what to say to Tom who sat silently in the room, Anita asleep, her hand still clutching Tom’s.

“How’s she doing?” Ric asked the greying man whose normally strong and bold demeanour had been replaced by one filled with grief.

“She uh...she’s resting now.” He told Ric; not able to tear his eyes away from the woman he loved so much.

“Tom I’m so sorry.” Ric told him honestly, not wishing any of what Tom had been through that evening on any person.

“Sure you are.” Tom replied sarcastically.

“No Tom really I am.” Ric reassured him. “I don’t know how you’ve gotten through it.” He admitted.

“I got through it because I have to. Because I love her.” Tom told Ric truthfully, his voice starting to break with sadness.

“Yeah. Somehow you manage to deal with the hardest situations just because you love them.” He replied pulling up a chair next to Tom thinking of Diane.

“It doesn’t stop it hurting though does it?” Tom commented.

“It certainly doesn’t.” Ric replied knowingly.

“You know she cried herself to sleep? She blames herself for the baby.” Tom told Ric sadly.

“Do you?” Ric asked him.

“Blame Anita? Ric how can I answer that?”

Ric looked at the floor.

“Our baby died because of the stres