Butterfly Love
by Loren Macdonald

A story featuring Diane Lloyd.

She looks around the room, so much shows her that she is truly alone in the world, no man to be beside her, after all, isn't that what she wanted, by pushing them all away? She knows that she still loves him, however much she tries to convince herself she doesn't; it's obvious she does, clearly not obvious enough to him. She shakes her head, sending flurries of tears faster down her cheeks, she knows that he probably knows, just doesn't want to try it again, not after last time. She had just let him slip from her grip; she thought she had him so secure, she thought that this time she had truly found the one, the only one for her. Then he did it, he proposed and everything exploded inside of her again, she was afraid again, afraid of being hurt, afraid of the future that lay ahead and so she ran. At the time she had no idea where she was running to, and yet she didn't care, she knew she had to go and it didn't matter where or how. She now knows it was stupid to run, she's here now and all she feels is love for Ric, so much love that it just doesn't seem real, almost artificial.

She lies back on the bed, despite the tears still burning at her eyes, confusing her so much that she can't even think of the pain any more. She finds herself drifting off into sleep, she has no idea how she manages it, but the tears still continue to fall, drowning her pillow in confused sobs. She knows deep inside of her that Ric would take her back in a heart beat, but she doesn't deserve Ric back, how on earth can she deserve to be loved that much? He would risk everything for her, he's all she ever dreamed of and she's all he has ever dreamed of and yet all her childhood dreams seem to be fading slowly out of view. All she can see is Ric's smiling face, grinning at her gently and she is blinded by his all, everything about him makes her happy. He lifts her close to him and she can smell him, almost feel everything about him, she knows he loves her, she can feel it deep inside of him. It's something she always felt when he held her close, security and love.

"I love you Diane" The words just ring in her ears, sending her mind spinning, lighting up her life and sending her heart soaring to the highest of heavens. She leans closer to him, the soft touch of his lips against hers just amazing her, it's at this very moment that she never wants to wake. Never wants to awake to the world where they are only friends and nothing more, never wants him to stop kissing her, she hates knowing that she may never hear him actually tell her he loves her. Is he thinking of her, dreaming of her at this moment as she is him? Does he think about her every moment of the day and just wish to be in her arms, in love with her again? She knows that he could be thinking of her, right at this very time, but the odds of it seem like zero, why would he want to think about her, its obvious that he cares about her, but almost enough to just make them friends, nothing more. "Never leave me Diane" The words cut through her, bringing her back to reality, she never wants to leave him, but she can't have him to leave, not this time. She feels herself waking to the dim light of the room, the covers still beneath her, the television still flickering from the front room. She tries to tell herself that it was just a dream, and yet she still hopes for it to be reality, for her to turn around and he will be beside her, sleeping soundly as he always had.

She hears the phone ringing and is glad to have something to occupy her mind, more than him, she doesn't need to be thinking about him, he's not coming back, and it hurts too much to be thinking of him. She doesn't ever want to hurt any more. She walks across the hallway, rubbing her eyes, trying desperately to rub away the tears as if the person on the other end will be able to tell she's been crying. She catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror as she tries to see the time, she's a real mess, how could she ever let herself get like this? She swipes the hair out of her face and tries to rub away the mascara lines that continually run down her face. If Ric could only see her like this, would he run away or would he stay by her side, it would scare him, he had never seen the vulnerable afraid Diane and that's the way she would rather it be, the unknown. She finally gets a quick look at the clock as she reaches out towards the phone, 12:00am, whoever it is, it really must be important.

"Hello"
"Diane, hi" She smiles at the sound of his voice down the phone, almost loosing herself inside it, how could she forget about him? Maybe he has rung to tell her that he loves her? She shakes her head and switches herself back to the conversation, remembering what he really could have rung for, an emergency.
"Ric what is it?"
"Diane, there has been an emergency down on Ambridge road, we can't get anyone else down there and they need us, just say you'll be there in twenty minutes?" She hears the urgency in his voice and almost laughs to herself, how stupid could she have been? Of course, it was work, with Ric it always is. She almost feels guilty instantly, of course he doesn't only think of work, when she had been with him it had been like nothing else mattered to him but her, all that he saw was her and when he looked at her she could always see the love in those huge brown eyes.
"Okay Ric, I'll be there!"
She puts down the receiver, had she came across angry, upset, harsh? She doesn't want him to know how she feels, not now, not ever.

~*~

He puts down the phone, sighing to himself, Diane never could express how she felt, had she been mad at him for waking her up? He knows he shouldn't be standing around, he really should be getting to the emergency, "these kinds of things don't wait", who had it been who had always said that? Of course, it had been her, and no matter how much he tries to hide it, he loves her, everything he tries to think of always relates back to her. He couldn't help being horrible to Tom, Steve, Adam, anyone who came across Diane, he had been jealous, and due to his jealousy he knows he has probably ruined every chance of ever being with her again. If only he had been more sympathetic, tried to be supportive and allowed her to do what she wanted, he knows Diane hates to feel controlled or forced into anything. He knows if he had tried to be sympathetic, caring, he would have shown himself, he might have shown his true feelings and scared her off again, he had never wanted to loose her, never wanted her to run.
"Ric, are you going to that emergency or not?" Chrissie's voice cuts into his thoughts, deterring him away from them and sends him back to the job; he has to go, no more putting it back. Anyway, he thinks to himself, it will be okay, she'll be there and as long as she's there, he can handle anything.

He doesn't waste any more time, he simply nods towards Chrissie, grabs his bag and jogs out of the ward out into the car park. During the night it's so calm, so cold and yet so comforting. He knows he can't waste time, someone could be dying right now because of his unhelpful thinking, she could be waiting for him just trying to save the victim, she would blame herself again if the patient died, it's the way Diane works.

~*~

At the approach of headlights she looks up again, just another passing car, each time she hopes it to be him and her heart starts racing again, so much that she can't concentrate on the patient. She can't loose this one, she knows she will never forgive herself, but he won't leave her mind, won't leave her in peace. She hears a car pull up beside her and looks up again as he steps out, his sunglasses on, despite there being no sun. He grins at her encouragingly and she feels her heart starting too flutter, like butterflies soaring around inside of her. Hadn't he always called her his butterfly?

He kneels beside her, rubbing his hand along her face, his own bathed in the moonlight, softly glowing.

"Have you been crying?" She pulls herself away from him and turns back to the victim, how does he know her so well, she can't seem to hide herself away from him, despite her constant attempts.
"So… what do we have here?" He knows it's best to change the subject, get onto trying to save the patients life and not sort out his own. She had always tried to hide herself away from him, why did he think she would tell her, he just wishes she would open up, just for once.
"Female, aged 30, trapped in the back seat, multiple head injuries, low blood pressure and may need to amputate the arm, it seems jammed"
He nods and leans closer to the victim, surveying the arm that lies trapped under the chair in front, her face still creased with pain. He takes a syringe from the case and hands it over to Diane while he still continues to survey the arm; he can't help but see her looking at her every so often, maybe the feeling is mutual.

~*~

Kath rolls over in bed, staring into Zubin's eyes, each time seeing another emotion surging into them, disappearing in the amazingly brown core. She still can't believe it, she really is with him, and she has fallen in love again no matter how much she tried to stop herself. She knows that he loves her, she can just tell when she hugs him, she loves him so much that she feels she can never let him go when she holds him, never wants to let go. She knows she doesn't even have to feel guilty any more, Terry would be happy for her, and she's free from Simon, free from any hurt or pain in the world. He rolls over and faces her, grinning gently and stroking her face, she feels the insides of her flying around, she's on cloud nine, just like a young teenager in love again, and she never wants to come down.
"What are you still doing awake?"
"Just thinking, and waiting for you to go to sleep"
"Thinking of what?"
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you!" He rolls over and kisses her gently on the lips, causing her insides to do summersaults once again, she couldn't ever imagine being loved this much, until he came into her life.
"I love you"
"I love you too Zubin" The words just tumble out of her mouth; she means them so much that they come so easily, almost instantly. She isn't afraid of saying it any more. She had always been too scared to love someone, not now, love isn't being thrown across the room any more, love is the deep compassion that Zubin shows for her, day by day, night by night. She feels herself drifting off to sleep, with his arm still around her, she feels his body moving beside hers and she feels safe and warm, at last.

~*~

Diane stands beside the road, running her hands through her hair, what had she done wrong this time, why does every patient have to die when she is there? Maybe she isn't a good surgeon, its obvious she isn't. She feels him coming up beside her, she doesn't want him to see her crying, never wants him to know the truth. Somewhere deep inside of her she wants him to see her cry, wants him to come close to her, comfort her.
"Diane, there is nothing we could have done, you know that don't you?" She turns around to face him, the tears glistening in the moonlight and he sighs, he finally knows that she's ready to tell him, ready to open up, maybe.
"We could have done more, if I had come sooner..."
"I thought we were over this Diane, the fact is you didn't come sooner and you didn't save her, but it doesn't ever stop you being good at your job, because you are" He lifts her face up to face his, pouring into her brilliantly blue eyes, he hopes the love for her doesn't show through, its not the time she should be finding out. He knows that some day she needs to know, maybe she already does and just doesn't want him to, so she pretends he doesn't. She had loved him once, why can't she love him again, it seems so ridiculous but maybe she does love him.
"We had best be getting home"
"Yeah" But neither of them move, they stand gazing into each others eyes, captured by the moment, she can see he loves her, now even stronger than ever. She leans closer to him, their lips touch and she feels the life coming back into her, almost instantly. She doesn't want to leave him and yet she doesn't want him to know how she feels, she suddenly becomes afraid again, afraid it will all fail and hurt her again. She pulls away and runs into her car, thoughts and emotions fleeting through her mind, she fumbles with her keys trying desperately to get them in the ignition until she feels him beside her again, taking her hand away from the ignition.
"Diane, you need to open up one time, some day, you can't keep on at your butterfly antics forever. Why can't you just talk to me?" She wants to talk to him, she knows she does and yet how can she tell him she loves him and has done for as long as she can remember. How can she tell him that she's simply too afraid of it all? She doesn't want to tell him, but something deep inside of her tells her she has to, to get it all out of her at last.
"I guess I'm just afraid okay?" That's it, she's said it and there is no turning back now, she's not afraid of it all coming out, maybe she needs to tell him, maybe he needs to know the truth.
"Afraid of what, Diane, what could you possibly afraid of?" She simply just lowers her head; she no longer feels she can tell him, tell him the truth that has been building up inside of her for so long now. He strokes her face gently in the moonlight, just as he had previously, but this time, he doesn't pull it away, he continues to stroke her face tenderly.
"Ric, I…"
"Diane, don't… you don't have to tell me, if you don't want too, it would just be easier." She pulls away from him; taking his hand in her own, how can he read her so well, how can he always know exactly what to say?
"I want to, I just don't know how, I've wanted to tell you for so long Ric, I'm afraid of getting hurt but I can't help myself"
"Help yourself from what?"
"Oh Ric, don't play dumb with me, I saw how jealous you were with Tom and Steve, don't pretend. Ric... what I'm trying to say is, I love you." She feels the relief spreading through her, that's it, it has finally been said and its out in the open. She doesn't know quite how she managed to say it, or even why she said it, but she knows that it helped her, and it's something she had to say, or she would regret it forever. Ric sits silently, just staring into those blue eyes, so full of hurt and loss, she really does love him. How could he have ever believed that they could never be together again, he can almost laugh, almost cry, he's so full of happiness, she loves him! He leans forward, forgetting about everything and kisses her tenderly on the lips. This time there is no regret, no turning their backs on their love, there's no escaping the love they feel inside for each other.

As soon as she felt his gentle lips touch her own, its better than her dream could ever have been, better than she could ever have imagined. She knows she can't stay like this forever, but she wants to stay in his arms for an eternity, she loves him so much and she can feel it in him, stronger than it ever has been.

~*~

Anita sits back in her bedroom, taking it out of the packet; she doesn't want to take the test, just wants it to all be over and done with. She doesn't want children, not when her future is just looking up for her, its something she doesn't need, or doesn't ever want. How will she tell Tom, should she tell Tom? So many doubts and questions are rushing through her mind and she doesn't even know for sure yet. It's too early in the morning to ask him to be with her, to be by her side, and yet she feels she needs him there with her, to hold her hand and tell her it will be okay. It's something neither of them had expected, something so unplanned that it seems impossible and yet she's quite sure it's the truth, she's pregnant. She has been putting it off for days now, even though she was worried that it could be what it is, how can it be, she can't be pregnant. No matter how much she tries to convince herself she isn't, there is no other explanation for it all, it scares her so much that she want to go to America now, just to run. She's always looked so secure, so why can't she be now, when finally it's something serious, she knows the answer to that instantly, it's all a façade, most of the time she is strong, but commitment scares her as much as it does Tom. She had shouted at him for not being able to commit, for being scared, and yet she knows that all people get scared sometimes, even her. She knows she will have to go and see him, tell him how she feels, but will he really want to talk to her so early in the morning? She knows he would, and even if he doesn't want to he will have to, she doesn't want to go through it all alone. She picks up the phone, not knowing whether to ring him or not, but in the end she slowly dials the number.

~*~

Tom rolls out of bed and searches around for the phone, his hair sticking up slightly more than normal. Who could possibly be phoning him at this time? He doesn't have the chance to ponder the question because as soon as he answers it he recognises her voice, Anita.
"Tom, hi!"
"I know I'm irresistible but seriously Anita, at 1 o clock in the morning?"
"Tom, look, will you just listen to me for just a few minutes?" He stops laughing and his face becomes a mask of pure seriousness, it has to be something important, why else would she be phoning him so early.
"What is it?"
"Look, no need to sound so worried, its nothing really, sorry I bothered you" She quickly rushes the words and the line goes dead.
He sighs as he puts down the phone, there is something definitely wrong, and she doesn't even sound right, had she been crying? He doesn't worry about the time, he slips on his clothes and rushes out of the door, if something is wrong then it can't wait until the morning. Anita wouldn't just wake him for the fun of it, it's not like her to sound that worried, she's usually so strong, so in control. But right then, to him she didn't sound it, she sounded so sad, so upset and yet so distraught, a way he had thought she couldn't be, but of course, she is, after all, only human. He gets into his car without any consideration for the time and puts on the radio; he needs to clear his head of it all.

I won't hurt you
I'll protect you
I won't let the rain fall down
I'll always be around

That's for sure, he wants to protect her from everything, never wants to hurt her, but either way he puts it she's leaving him, probably for ever. He only sees one option looming ahead for him, to push his career aside and go with her, and however crazy and spontaneous it sounds, its something he has to do. He knows he only has a matter of days to leave and go with her, only a couple of days to tell her how he really feels and yet he knows he can do it, he can go with her, if only charged by the power of love, the strongest power in the universe.

~*~

Chrissie stands in Darwin, she can't believe her ears, surely it's not true, her mother and her husband, it seems so unreal, so unlike Owen. It's not unlike her mother though; Owen had done it with her why couldn't he with her mother? It still seems like a terrible nightmare that she will soon wake up to, why is her mother telling her this, now, of all days, and of all nights?
"Mum, why are you telling me this?"
"Because I don't want to hurt you Chrissie!"
"Hurt me? HURTME? That's rich coming for you, your whole goal in life is to hurt me, if you didn't want to hurt me why do it in the first place?" She knows she's not overreacting; she's being as rational as she can be, as rational as anyone who's just found out that there mother is fooling around with her husband, would be.
"Oh Chrissie, it's not like that and you know it!"
"Oh isn't it? Because that's how it looks from where I'm standing!" She turns to leave the ward just as Owen enters it, she can't even look at him, can't even stand to be in the room with both of them knowing that they had been 'together'. She had just begun to realise she wanted Owen, she had confided in her mother and then she had said it, told her there was no hope because her and Owen had slept together. Why did she have to tell her now? She had never done anything in the whole world to hurt her mother, and yet her mother was always setting out to hurt her, intentionally.
"Chrissie, where are you going?"
"Home, to pack!"
"Where will you go at half past one in the morning?"
"I'll find somewhere, its not like you're really bothered anyways, you're the one that slept with my husband!" She sounds so evil saying it, but it has to be said, it's the truth and any real mother wouldn't have done it, ever.
""Keep your voice down both of you, will you? Chrissie, don't be ridiculous, you have no where to go!"
"Ridiculous am I? Don't you tell me what to do, you of all people!"
She doesn't wait around to listen to their response; she has to leave before they will be able to. She can hear them following her but she doesn't care, she's going and there is nothing any of them can do to stop her, ever. She doesn't even know where she can go, home is the best bet but after she has packed there is no where to go, no one to run to. She can't even think of one person to run to, she just knows that she has to run, somewhere, anywhere.

She turns on the radio in the car, she can't stand the silence, it agitates her and makes her think more than normal. She can't even listen to the radio without him coming into her mind.

And baby I will understand if sometimes
you just want to spread your wings and fly
and let your colours shine

She does want to just fly away, fly so far away that Ed, Owen, Tricia and baby Amanda will be so far away from her. How can she live her life just wondering about Amanda, what her first word would have been, what her job would be, could she sing? She knows there is no point thinking of it all, and with the tears streaming down her face it's making it harder to see, she has to concentrate on the road, she isn't ready to join Amanda, not just yet. She arrives outside the flat and sighs with relief, no one else is there yet, she has the chance to pack and get away, make a clean break and quickly. She doesn't think for one second that's she is overreacting, there is nothing left here for her at Holby, it's finally time to move on with her life, nurses are needed everywhere.

~*~

Zubin smiles as he turns to face Kath, sleeping peacefully at his side, she's real and she's his, it's like some amazing dream that he never wants to wake from, ever. How could he never have loved this woman, how come he never met her sooner, why did she ever marry Simon when she could have been with him, happy? He gets up and crosses the room, he's so awake from her love that he can't sleep, doesn't want to sleep unless he wakes up and she's not beside him and he's back to his lonely life. He puts on the Radio silently, he doesn't know what else to do, he would love to go upstairs and just watch her sleep, but he doesn't want to disturb her in any way, never wants to upset her.

And everyday I wanna be a risk you take
make a promise that will never break for life

She's the only risk he has ever taken in life, and now he feels he can always take risks because the one he took means so much to him that it seems almost unreal. She is the only risk he feels he will ever make, but the one that was worth it, a million times over. As much as he wants to sit there all night, he knows he will have to make his way back to bedroom, she will wonder why he's not next to her in the morning, and he has to be awake for surgery.

~*~

Diane sits back and looks at him, his face still glowing in the light, this time that of the sunrise. He puts his arm around her gently, knowing that she must be cold. What else can she possibly ask for in life, she has him and now, nothing else matters?
"When was the last time we sat up all night, just talking?" She doesn't even need to think about the answer for his question, it's obvious; they had never really opened up before, not on the level of tonight.
"Never" He pulls her closer, knowing it's the truth and hands her back her keys, not sure whether to stay in the car, or go back to his own.
"It's been a long night" He finally mutters, knowing that maybe that will show her that he needs to know where to go from here, she's always been so hard to read, that's what he loves about her.
"Yeah it has, but, you know, the nights not over yet!" She giggles as she puts the keys into the ignition; he just stares at her, the look of love showing in his eyes once again. How had he ever let her go, how could he have let her just leave him without a simple explanation when she means the world to him?

~*~

Tom looks over to Anita, still alive with anticipation, he's not sure if he wants kids yet but it's not all about him, for once, its all about Anita, the woman he loves.
"Whatever you want Anita, I'm not forcing you into anything, it's your decision." She doesn't want to tell him that it's a joint decision, by him saying it, it makes her feel that he isn't a part of it, that she's all alone. She knows that he will stand by her, come what may, but right now, it seems hardly believable, not even he can make her feel any better about the situation and so she knows, she shouldn't have the child. She knows it's about time to look at the test, but she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to confirm what she never wanted to happen, ever. They both look at each other and then down onto the test as she checks it, her eyes fill with tears as she hands it over to Tom.
"Oh no, Blue!"
"Anita, it's going to be okay, I promise you?" But the word's don't sink in, don't quite reach her brain, it won't be okay, how can it be? She doesn't even consider him staying with her, why would he want to, it's obvious he really loves Diane, why had she been so stupid as to trust him in the first place. She can't bring herself to think its over between them, it's not, and she knows its not, not for good. But for now, there is no way she can stay here, she's almost grateful that she's leaving for America tomorrow, no time to say goodbye, no time to stop herself from going out of an act of love.

~*~

Diane brushes her hair gently away from her face in front of the bathroom mirror, seeing her reflection, she smiles. She's so much stronger now, she can see it, but she can also see the love for Ric bubbling up inside her eyes so that she can't even see the pain any more, the pain left behind from Steve, from all of her past, from it all. She walks out into the bedroom, hoping to finally get some sleep, if only for a few measly hours. But this time it's all different, she's not dreaming to be beside him, she's not longing to see him because this time, she's not alone, he really is lying right next to her. He's asleep and she knows it instantly but the simple fact doesn't bother her, she just rests her head gently on his chest.
"I love you Ric" Just saying the words really is her dream come true, the one and only thought left running through her mind, just how much she really loves him.

~*~

Chrissie arrives at the platform just as the train arrives and sits at the back, alone in a carriage of solitude. She watches the rain slowly beginning to splash at the windows as the scenery gets greener by the second and the thickness of the trees becomes increasingly large. The tears trickle down her cheeks, almost unnoticed by her, she can't even think straight any more, the life she had spent so long building for herself has finally fell down. She had spent many nights, many hurtful conversations getting her life back on track, and for what? Just to get hurt again, juts to have it fall down so fast that she doesn't even realise its happening until it gets so scary she can't even live with herself anymore. She didn't realise it would be like this, she had been all set for life with Owen and her baby, and nothing else mattered and now, now its all left in ruins around her.
"I'm sorry" She mutters gently, she knows that no one can hear her, that no one can even understand how she feels anymore, and that if they could hear her, it wouldn't make a difference any more, but it doesn't stop her from wanting to say it, a million times over if she can.

She never wanted it to end, the life she had with Owen, she expected her to be able to have her fun and he would stick by her, stand with her, why had she been so stupid to believe that? There's no fooling herself anymore, it truly is over, Owen has moved on, onto her own mother. She can't even begin to imagine what was going through their minds, how could they have done this to her, to their relationships with her? She knows that maybe she's just being a hypocrite, after all she had slept with Ed, but Ed hadn't been Owen's father, there isn't the same loyalty there. She reverts her gaze to a little ahead of them, the train looks a little too close to the other, no, they know what they are doing, don't they? It's at the moment of impact that she realises that she will never see them all again, it's all over, they don't know what they were doing. She feels her stomach lurch inside of her, and her tears coming out ever more strongly, and yet she feels the pain stabbing through her like a knife, or something as sharp as one. Despite it all, she feels relief spreading through her, it will finally all be over, all the doubts of tomorrow will have left her.
"Mummy's coming Amanda"

~*~

Owen stands at the station, bewildered of where to go now, he's sure she got the train, she had said she would and her train would be leaving at 2:00am. He looks up at the clock on the wall 2:15, she can't have left him; she can't have gone and let him go, again. Then he hears it, slicing through him like nothing he has ever felt in him before.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret to inform you that the 2:00am train to London has crashed, emergency services are on there way, but, as would seem, all trains will be cancelled until tomorrow afternoon at the earliest, thank you." He doesn't understand it, it can't be her, not her train, if it is what if she doesn't survive, he will never have the chance to say he's sorry, never have the chance to try and explain it all to her.
How could he have let her go when she was still angry, without having the chance to try and explain, to make it all right again? If she got on that train, and is lying dead somewhere now, its all his fault and he knows it, he drove her to going, all because of a few stupid mistakes with Tricia, that's all they were, mistakes. Mistakes that he now regrets so much, but there is nothing he can do to undo it, to take back everything. He knows he can't no matter how much he wants to and no matter how much he loves her, if she's dead, there is nothing he can do, and it hurts him to think of it, she could be dead.

~*~

Ric begins to stir as he feels Diane moving around beside him and he grins slightly, sitting up and staring at her. She always was a fidgety sleeper, can never stay still no matter what you do, but he doesn't mind, he would rather be awake sitting next to her, its better than any dream. She looks up at him through frightened eyes, eyes that show the pain and hurt once again, finally, she has to ask him one thing.
"Ric, promise me you won't leave me again, no matter what I do, just promise me, I have to hear you say it." He hears the slight panic in her voice and strokes her hair softly; he wouldn't let her leave him, not for all the money in the world.
"Diane, you can kick and scream, hit me over the head, but I'm not letting go, not now, not ever. We've come to far just to throw it all away; you and I both know that" She smiles and sits up, snuggling herself up close to him, feeling all the love radiating out of him once again. She loves him, and he knows it, he loves her, and she knows it, and right at that moment, nothing can shatter the happiness and the love they hold inside for one another. She is reminded of the song once again, a song that now means so much to the both of them, a song they had previously danced to at the road side. Just one verse still remains wholly in her mind; one verse means so much to her and holds her every feeling for Ric, the love she feels inside.

I won't forget you
or neglect you
won't let no-one take your place
in your eyes I see my face

Not only in his eyes does she see her face, but the sun, the stars and the moon, all inside those lovingly brown eyes. All the secrets of the world locked inside his eyes, just waiting to reveal themselves, but most importantly, she sees love inside them, every time she looks at him, and every time he looks at her.

~*~

Kath flutters open her eyes gently as Zubin enters the room, his eyes wide open and a smile spread over his face, lighting up his eyes. He sits gently beside her and they are lost in each other for a few moments, a few moments that could last forever, a few moments that mean so much to the both of them.
"You do know, Kath, that I will never, ever, hurt you?" His question seems completely out of the blue, and yet she knows that he just wants to be sure.
"I know, but being a nurse, I'm used to heart break Zubin, you don't need to protect me" He leans over her, just staring into those eyes once again, finding himself lost in her emotions, anger, pain, hurt, but the strongest still inside them, the one that shines through the strongest, is love.
"And I am a surgeon Kath; I'm used to fixing them." He leans forward and kisses her, and she knows that he really means it, he's never going to leave her side, no matter what, and through it all, he really loves her more than anything in the whole world. She knows that everything she does, everything she says just portrays her love for him, she never wanted to love again, each time she just gets hurt, but she's way too far now to take it all back, she will risk being hurt, for him. After all, what's love without risks, what's life without its fair share of ups and downs? This, this is her never-ending up.

She sees no end to their love, eternal almost, and she sees no end to this happiness it was meant to be and she knows that Zubin really is, her one and only soul mate. It has taken her so long to find him, but now she has he really was worth the wait, worth all the pain. She loves him more that life itself and she can't imagine living without him, and she knows that he feels the very same, he tells her day after day.

~*~

Anita stands at the airport, just in time for her early morning flight. This time there is no turning back on it all, no telling herself she isn't going, she is and no one, but no one, will stop her. She hears his voice over the crowd, shouting his last feeble attempts of stopping her going at her.

"Anita, WAIT! I love you, I'll come with you if I have to" She feels his hand on her shoulder, but she doesn't look back, doesn't even stop for him, she can't go back; she's come too far just for him to stop her. She will make it on her own, she knows she can if she can just convince herself, tell herself that it will all be okay, in the end. She feels his hand slip away as she goes through the departure gates and a woman behind him telling Tom to keep away.

"Sorry Sir you can't go through there"

He sits back on the chairs, his mind going on overdrive, that's it, she's left him and there is no getting her back. He had tried to tell himself she wouldn't go, that she would stay with him, stay at Holby and they would have their child, that it would all be okay. Of course it will be okay, because he's going after her; no one can stop him getting his love back. Just as he's thinking over his idea he feels his pager going, an emergency, he takes one more sorrowful glance towards the gates before running off into the crowd, back to Holby.

She walks out of the departure gates, how could she be stupid enough to think she could go alone, leaving him behind. She scans her eyes over the airport, where is he, why isn't he here? If he really loved her wouldn't he have waited, maybe he thought she would never come back and just left. She knows there is only one place she can go, to his house to see him, its not all over, it never will be. Maybe she isn't sure about the baby, but it will all be okay. She had boarded the plane, sure that she could make it through and yet just as she was sitting down she heard his voice inside her head and she just wanted to run back to him to tell him she loves him and that she'll never leave him. She knows she's strong, in control, and that she has it all in hand but the one thing that she can't handle is love, the one emotion that takes over all others. Whatever she decides to do about the baby, she knows, that he will stand by her, she won't have to go it all alone, he is just happy with whatever she says. She walks out into the car park where she finds a taxi, she gets inside it smiling, will he be shocked to see her?

~*~

Tom arrives at the station as he sees Owen being held back by some officers, its then he hears the explosion, slowly erupting down the train just half a mile ahead. He sees the panic in Owen's eyes, the tears streaming down his cheeks, and he knows instantly what it is, Chrissie was somewhere on that train. He suddenly feels sick inside, like he can't do it anymore but he knows he has to, if she's alive then he could be her only chance of survival, and so he jumps down onto the tracks, following the paramedics. He gets to the back carriage and sees her inside it immediately, the wet tears still clinging to her face, as if in an act of survival. Her face itself seems confused, hurt and yet relieved all at once and he feels the tears welling in his eyes, stinging them and obscuring his vision. He doesn't want to leave the spot, never wants to leave her, Chrissie was his friend, someone he works alongside, and yet he knows that its over, she's gone and there is nothing he can do, nothing anyone can do anymore. He has to move on, there are people on the train who need him, people still alive that he can save, even if he can't save Chrissie. He feels a paramedic pulling him aside but he still can't move, he's still transfixed by Chrissie, it can't be true, she isn't dead.
"Mr. Campbell-Gore, glad you made it, your needed further up the train on the first carriage so if you could please make your way up there, sir" He turns his head for a second and realizes that he HAS to go, there are lives that need saving and he can't be selfish any longer. He doesn't think once about Anita as he is rushing around, looking through carriage windows at the attempt of finding someone alive, he can't think of her or else he sees her in a plane crash and he feels the lump inside his throat growing. At this time in the morning, there are more passengers than normal, meaning more deaths, more people scarred for life. He finally reaches the carriage that he was meant to be at, seeing the survivor looking up at him from beneath some rubble. He jumps down beside her and begins talking to her, almost forgetting all about Chrissie, all about Anita.

~*~

She stands outside his house, just ringing the doorbell, when he doesn't answer she slips the key into the lock and walks inside, just hoping he hasn't done anything stupid. He won't have done, he had never loved her enough to kill himself, but he could be out right now, turning back to the bottle. She feels the guilt rising inside of her, if he has gone back to drink, it's her fault, and it's her responsibility to stop him again. She sits down on the sofa after taking some crisps out of his packet and turning on the TV, she sits in front of it, just watching the images flick past her, not really noticing what is really going on. She knows he's probably at work, he always is, but why would he be at work at this time in the morning, it seems almost impossible that, that's where he is. She sits herself further back in the chair, feeling exhaustion flowing through her, she's tired and she knows it, and she can't even think of the baby or Tom any longer.

She feels herself drifting off into sweet dreams, dreams where she no longer has the trouble of being pregnant, and all she needs in the world is Tom and his love. She knows that her life will never be like that, she is pregnant and Tom is still no where to be seen, no where he should be at this hour. She never wants to wake up, never wants to see reality as it is, a harsh cruel world where nothing goes her way, America had been a great opportunity, an opportunity she wasted because of love, is love really worth that much? She knows the answer instantly, love is worth anything, no matter how strong she is she has learned to love, learned that he will be beside her and got used to him being there, she can't leave him, not now, she depends on him too much.

~*~

Kath lifts her head off the pillow and surveys him, sleeping at last, finally, and she knows that she loves him, still. She can't help herself from always thinking through the love, as if, if she takes her mind off it for one second it will all fade away, again. The love had really been there, with Simon and with Terry, but its different this time, the love is deeper, more sensual than ever before. She loves him so much and she can feel it inside her, every time she looks at him her insides whirl and she can't help but smile. She knows she sounds like a school girl, but that's how he makes her feel, so young again that she can't even believe it. How can she love one man so much, she had loved Terry so much that she would incriminate herself for him, but she feels it so much stronger for Zubin? She never wanted to fall in love again, she was afraid of getting hurt, Simon hurt her, Terry hurt her, every man she has ever had hurt her, and yet, Zubin's different.
"I love you" She whispers again, she doesn't want to stop telling him, if she could tell him every second of the day she would, just incase something happens to him and she hasn't said it. She knows that he knows it, and maybe she says it too much but she thinks he understands, understands that she feels she has to, no matter what. She hears the phone ringing from downstairs but she ignores it, feeling too tired to even move, she'll listen for who it is first.
"Sorry, we aren't here to take your call right now, if you'll leave your name and telephone number we'll try to get back to you!"
"Hi, Kath, it's Tom, I was just phoning to tell you something… I'll try again when it's of a more reasonable time, just ring me when you get the message if I haven't already called, okay, bye!" She groans and rolls over, it's not important if it can wait until the morning, and she has no energy any more to answer it.

~*~

Owen stands at the platform, still expecting to see her running down it towards him, telling him she loves him. He knows he will probably never see her again, whether she is alive or dead, he has hurt her too much, and he doesn't deserve for her to see him again, ever. If seeing her again means she's alive he wants it more than anything in the whole world, even if he doesn't deserve her. She can shout at him, kick him, tell him she hates him, but at least she will be alive, and that's all he can ask for. He kneels down on the platform, doing something he hasn't done in so long that he's not even sure it will help any more, but all the same he knows its worth a chance, praying is all he can think of doing.
"Please let her be okay, I know I haven't been faithful to her, or anything you ask of her, just please let her be okay, protect her. I'll do anything, just for her to be okay, to be back on the ward in a matter of weeks, please." He's not even sure anyone is listening to him, but he knows that whatever he just did helped him inside. He feels so selfish, feeling relieved inside doesn't help her, he's just being selfish again, as usual. He doesn't spend anymore time sitting around because just at that moment Tom comes flying around the corner, his eyes showing pain and hurt, but his face a mask of seriousness. The one thing that is still stopping him from grieving for her is his job, he has to be professional, and it's the only thing he's clinging onto to keep him from just falling. Owen jumps up and looks towards Tom, awaiting news, any news that will tell him if she is alive or not. Tom knows its best to try and be professional in the situation, but each time he does he ends up sounding heartless and stern, but if he lets it all go, he won't be able to regain it all.
"Tom, have you heard anything… I don't want you to lie to me, just tell me the truth" It's the question he had hoped not to answer, how can he tell Owen the truth, its like confirming to himself that it's real.
"Owen, I'm sorry" It hits Owen like nothing before, he feels the words sinking into him like a dagger, destroying every hope and dream inside of him, destroying him. She can't be dead, not really, there is no way in this world that anything could take Chrissie away from him, it's all too easy. He knows that something had already taken Chrissie away from him, Tricia, he regrets every moment spent with her, every conversation they have ever had.

~*~

Ed sits up in bed, looking out through the window, he has the sudden feeling of loneliness, like something terrible has happened and yet he is quite certain that if something had, he would know about it. He still misses Amanda, no matter how much he tries to conceal it, the unknown is still there, had Amanda been his or is he holding onto something that wasn't even his daughter. He can't help but feel connected to her, still, he doesn't understand it but it's there, maybe Owen feels the same. How can one child mean so much to him? He had never met her, never held her, never even spoken to her and yet he still misses her. There is more than just the unknown out there, but the what if's, If Chrissie hadn't told him it could be his would he still feel like this? If Amanda would have lived would she have called him or Owen "daddy"? All the questions resound in his head and yet he knows, the answer will forever remain unknown. Amanda is gone, and there is no getting her back, no way of saying goodbye. He still feels he should have said goodbye, should have been at her funeral, some how, but common sense tells him that he couldn't have done either, Chrissie would have never have allowed it. He can still feel that sense of loss about him and he knows it's not Amanda, its just there, so faint, but undoubtedly there. He lies back down in bed, knowing that there is nothing he can do at this moment in time; whatever it is will still be there in the morning, he is sure of it.

~*~

Tom enters his living room and almost jumps in shock, lying on his sofa is, Anita. He can't believe it, but it is, somehow, her. He can't believe that she has come back to him, he had been sure that it would be the last time he would see her when he left her at the airport. He almost forgets about Chrissie in his happiness, nothing can bring him down, not now, he has her back and this time, he will never let go.

He kneels beside her and strokes her hair out of her face, never has he seen her to be this beautiful before, ever. Whether she decides to keep the baby or not he will be happy with her, as long as she's with him he doesn't care. He pulls a blanket gently over her and kisses her forehead tenderly; this is more than he could ever ask for in life.
"I love you" He leaves the room and shuts the door behind him, plunging the room into complete darkness.
"I love you too" She whispers gently, she knows he can't hear her, but finally she has admitted that she loves him, and she isn't afraid to tell him anymore, not now, not ever. She feels herself drifting back off to sleep, and she knows that this time she will be able to sleep peacefully. He is fine, and she will wake up and see him in the morning, making tea, but most of all, he loves her, and that's the most important thing in the world to her.

Part 2

He sits down on the bed, still unable to believe it, he prayed for her, he asked for her to be okay, so why isn't she? He can't understand it, surely she was meant to live forever, never meant to leave him. He hadn't wanted to leave her in such a state and all he wants to do is apologize, apologize for ever coming into her life, for everything he had ever done to her. He had never thought, for one moment, that he would ever have to say the final goodbye, that's what it would have been, goodbye forever. He knows that what one of the paramedics had told him was probably true "It was meant to be". How could she have meant to die? Why would anyone want Chrissie to die, not in his wildest of dreams can he imagine ever wanting for her to leave him. It's too late now, she has left him and there's no going back, sure, he can't say goodbye, he can't tell her he really loves her, but there's not anything he, or anyone else for that matter, can do. Chrissie had meant the world to him, probably more than that, the sun the moon and the stars too, and he can't see how he can live without her, not now. He had made it look like he didn't love her, of course he had, he had loved her more than anything and no pathetic, meaningless fling with Tricia is worth loosing her. He knows he could probably have lived with himself if she had just left him, sure he would have been angry, distraught, but he would never have felt this bad, he would never have had to feel the pain of loosing her, forever. Forever seems such a long time, even a few weeks is forever without her, and forever sounds painstakingly definite. She can't have left him, he knows that he's just going in circles but as soon as it begins to sink in he starts to doubt it all again, it just doesn't seem real, it probably never will.

He just wants it all to be over, for the pain to stop and his heart to be un-broken; he can't stand to live alone, without the one and only good thing in his life gone. Sure, they hadn't particularly been together, but everyday he had been able to see her, and that had eased the pain, even if he couldn't hold her, couldn't kiss her. As much as he had wanted to, he had held back, she had made it sound so final when she had told him that it was over that he had decided it was best to keep away, how wrong could he have been? If only he could take it all back, every moment he had spent with Tricia, every word he had ever wasted upon her and give it all to Chrissie. He knows that, deep down inside, he had ever only been with Tricia because she had been part of Chrissie, the closest person to her and he didn't want to let go. Only having part of her made it easier, made the whole breakup easier to bear, and yet all the while he had known it was wrong, if only he could turn back the hands of time. Just to make it yesterday again, so that he can make it all right again, tell her he loves her, stop her from going, and yet he knows that he can't, no matter how much he dreams. Maybe if he had made it there a few minutes earlier, the few minutes he had spent arguing with Tricia, the few minutes that could have made all the difference. Had she thought of him when she died, had she thought of how much he hurt her, had she regretted every moment wasted upon him?
"My tears could cause an inferno Chrissie, how could you leave me like this, alone in the world? How could someone take you from this world? I love you Chrissie, I really do, and I'm sorry… I'm really sorry" He feels himself loosing it again, breaking down into floods of unbroken tears, if only she could hold him now, take away every last tear and tell him that she loves him, that it will all be okay. Every night that he had spent with her flash before him at once, every night that he had held her close, every night she had said how much she loved him. If only she could come back, kiss the pain away and bring the joy back into his life, but he knows it's impossible, however cruel the world is without her. She had just walked out of his life a few hours ago, he still feels as if he will go back to work tomorrow and there she will be, on Darwin, smiling at him gently like she always had. That smile could bring joy to anyone's life, even the coldest heart was warmed by that loving smile, and now his heart will never be warmed, he will never see that smile again. Never seems another final word, a word he had never wanted to say "never say never" isn't that what parents always say? And yet, he's sure that he can say never this time, its true, he will never love again and he will never see her, as much as he wants to.

He turns his gaze towards the window, and watches the rain running down the window pain, feeling his tears falling with the raindrops. If only she had heard him call out to her as she had boarded the pain, if only she had just heard those words "I love you", but if she had, would it have made a difference? He can't help but think how she must have felt, she must have felt so alone, scared even, wondering where everyone she loves was. When she was lying there, tired, scared and dying where had they all been? He knows the answer instantly, he had been arguing with Tricia and suddenly he can't even remember what it was about, it seems so un-important now. He can't ever imagine loving someone else, how can he ever love anyone as much as he did Chrissie, his life just ends without her? If only she could come and take it all away, all the pain and hurt, all the sorrow that lies inside of him now, she can't have gone, not really. If only she could be beside him now, telling him that she loves him, then nothing else would matter, he would never let her go, not in a million years. He can feel himself loosing it, once again, and he's sure that this time he will never recover; the tears will never cease to fall. He knows that he will never hold her now; he will never hear her say that she loves him; never get to tell her that he loves her. He doesn't even see a way out, any way of surviving without her by his side, just smiling at him, laughing gently, what he would give just to see her face, to hear her laugh.

~*~

He lies there in bed, alone at last, giving him time to think about it all, at last. Things that happened tonight he never wants to recall, and he can't even imagine just getting up and going to work as normal in the morning. It's not normal anymore, everything has changed, so much so that he can't even think of it all, he has Anita, Chrissie's died, it doesn't all sink in, not yet. As much as Chrissie dying hurts him, the hurt is overcome by the happiness that he is filled with knowing that he has Anita back, probably forever. He hasn't even spoken to her yet, but he's sure she wouldn't be here if she didn't love him back. He had been so afraid to tell her, so afraid to tell her and yet now he's said it, he is sure that he can say it again and again and will never be tired of saying it. However he looks at it, he has been given another chance, one last chance to tell her he loves her, one last chance to make it work, and that's what he intends to do, to make it work. He doesn't know why she came back exactly, when she had a whole future ahead of her, but he is mighty glad she did come back, that she did risk it all for love. Love is worth every risk in the world, and he knows it, love is worth anything, even death. Just thinking of love and death leads him onto thinking of Owen, how would he be feeling, would he do something stupid? He can't be sure that Owen won't do something stupid, since love is worth death but he knows that Owen is more logical than that, he isn't one to do crazy, spontaneous things just because of the loss of a loved one. He knows that it's not the end for anyone apart from Chrissie, and even she will remain in their hearts forever but for Anita and him, it's all about new beginnings and second chances.

~*~

Diane feels herself waking up again for the last time that morning, its 5:00am according to the clock that sits beeping on the cabernet beside her, time to finally get up. She doesn't want to look beside her incase he isn't there, incase it was another of her unlikely dreams, dreams that seemed so real. She knows she has to and she feels relief spread through her when she turns to see him staring at her gently with those loving eyes.
"No regrets?" She asks him, she has to, she still doesn't believe that its real, it can't be, he can't really love her.
"Why would there be any regrets? I love you" Just hearing the words she throws her arms around him, falling down onto the bed, she can't help but want to hold him as he says those words, wants to kiss him, never to leave his side incase she finds out he isn't there any more.
"As long as you're sure, Ric."
"I've always been sure Diane, as long as your happy and I love you, nothing else matters in the world to me, you know that. I never stopped loving you either, never." She can't take it all in, all she can do is hold him tight, breathing into his top, she doesn't ever want to move, not again but she knows that at some point she will have to. She doesn't know what to say to him, she wants to return it and yet she can't find the words inside of her to say it, she can't just assume he knows, life isn't worth living just based on assumptions.
"We had best get to work" She mutters, she can't think of anything else to say and yet she knows she doesn't want to go, she wants to be with him how she is now, for eternity. Eternity seems like forever and yet forever isn't even long enough for her, not now.
"No we don't, we can say we were... tired" He laughs as the words tumble out as he draws closer to her once more, she can't believe it, here she is with him, again, and its not a dream, its real.
"You have an answer for everything don't you?"
"Would you love me any other way?"
"Nope" She giggles, drawing him in for a kiss, the best she feels that she has ever had, she doesn't want to leave him, she suddenly forgets about work, forgets about everything apart from him.

~*~

Owen sits down on the chair, looking around the bedroom, he knows he will never forget her, however much time passes, whatever happens. He wants to look over to the bed and see her lying there, sleeping peacefully but he knows he won't ever see her lying in his bed again, not even in his dreams. He feels himself letting go, he can't even remember what she looks like anymore, can't picture her in his mind and he suddenly feels so guilty. How can he forget her so quickly, the one and only love of his life, he knows he's being stupid, his mind is too confused to be thinking right now, but it doesn't ease the pain at all. He knows that he will probably never get over her, not for a long time from now, and he will always long for her to be beside him, no matter what.

Maybe he won't always feel as bad as he does now, maybe the pain really does begin to subside as time goes by, but right at this moment, the thought means nothing to him, doesn't even quite register in his mind. He hopes that he never will forget her, but somewhere deep inside of him he wants to forget her so that the pain can finally be over, so that his life can get back to normal. He feels selfish just thinking it, he doesn't want to forget her, it's just the easy way out of something so hard to bear and yet he knows he has to make it through, no matter what.

He can feel himself slipping back into the past, into distant memories, distant memories containing her, nothing but him and her, always. It's like she had always told him, she would love him 'always and forever, no matter what' did she think she would then, or did she still love him up until the day she died, this very morning? He had promised her that he would never leave her, never let her get hurt and yet he knows he's broken his promise, something he hoped he would never do, she's gone and she had been hurt, too many times by him. He can remember swinging her round in his arms, holding her close, kissing her tenderly, all the memories flashing so fast before him that he can't hold onto them, not one of them as much as he wants too. He still can't understand why she has been taken from him, ripped from the world so unceremoniously that he can't even think about it, she's gone, that's it, the end. Maybe even the end for him, he can't see any way that he can go on and yet he doesn't want to join her, yet, he doesn't want to die. How can you not want to live, but not want to live? He knows he has to decide between one or the other but right now, he's happy to be in the middle, living but so close to wanting to die.
"I miss you already Chrissie, I will never stop loving you, as long as I live I'll never forget you. You lit up my word and made each day worth living, made life worth fighting for, I love you so much, why did you have to leave me?" He whispers, he knows she can't hear him, he probably doesn't want her to hear him and yet he's glad he said it, he said it for a reason, whether it makes sense or not. He wants to tell her all these things and yet, he knows, that if she was still alive he wouldn't ever have told her, probably not anyways.

~*~

Ed walks onto the ward, something's definitely different and he notices it at once, Chrissie isn't there at the nurse's station, on the ward, anywhere. He finally realizes that the gut feeling he had, had the feeling of loss that had spread over him, had something to do with Chrissie, he's sure of it. Wherever she is, he's sure that there is something wrong, something terribly wrong. He knows that whatever has happened, there is nothing he can do, nothing he can say, as much as he wants too. He's been fighting the urge for so long to tell her he loves her, to tell her that they could work out, even with all the aggravation over Amanda, maybe the time has run out, maybe he will never get to tell her. As much as he wanted to take her in his arms, pronounce his love for her, he knows that deep down inside she still loves Owen, and no matter what has happened to her, she forever will. He hears a door close behind him, causing him to drift out of his thoughts and snap back to reality, he turns around at the sound of approaching footsteps.
"Tom!"
"Ed, please, sit down" Tom whispers gently, motioning towards the chair that Ed had previously jumped out of, the tears begin to raise in his eyes again, he doesn't think he can go through the ordeal with Ed, not now. He knows that Ed had been close to Chrissie, which makes it so much harder to say; just finding the words hurts him.
"Ed, its Chrissie, she… she… she died in a train crash last night" Ed falls into his hands, no tears escaping his eyes yet, he can't break down, he has to be strong, now more than ever. Tom walks beside him, placing his hand on his shoulder, he isn't sure what to say, how Ed even feels about it all, maybe it will bother him more than most, but maybe it won't. He doesn't waste any time standing around, feeling its best to leave; he walks back out of the ward and into the café, where he sits pondering over a cup of coffee. He's not sure if he should go up, talk to Ed, and yet he knows it's probably best left alone, for now anyways. It will never be the same without Chrissie around and he knows it, she changed the ward slightly, made everything seem so different and to someone like Ed or Owen that loved her so dearly it will seem even more different, so empty. He knows the feeling of Empty too well, he had felt it, if only for a few hours, when Anita had left him, it had been a feeling that took over all others and would play on your mind forever, never giving up. He can't see how Owen will go on, and Ed will probably be feeling the same thing, even if they hadn't been so close, he had seen the way that Ed had looked at Chrissie, it was a look of longing, a look of sheer adoration. There was no denying it that deep down inside, Ed had loved Chrissie, no matter how much he had said otherwise, no matter how much he had tried to hide it. He had never talked to Ed about it, it wasn't something they ever did, maybe Ed would have admitted it before it was too late if he had said something to him, but there is no use dwelling in what should have been said, he knows that well enough. He hears the scraping of a chair and looks up to see Ed falling down onto the chair in front of him, tear tracks running down his face, something gripped inside his trembling fingers. Tom looks towards him sympathetically, not quite sure what to say, this is Anita's kind of thing, not his, however he knows he has to help out his friend, no matter what.
"Ed, I'm... I'm so sorry; I don't know what else to say." He mumbles, he isn't yet quite sure what else to say, not even sure that Sorry can help someone who has lost someone, he knows it probably wouldn't have helped him.
"Sorry doesn't help much Tom, if only I had told her… but being able to talk... helps."
"The fact still remains that you didn't tell her, and maybe it was meant to be that you didn't tell her, things like this just don't happen. If you want to take the day off, I do understand, I know she meant a lot to you, and we may be busy, but you have the right to go home" He knows that he has to let Ed go home, there is no point in allowing him to stay at work, not when he has lost someone that he had loved so much, not with the regrets that he knows are filling Ed's mind.

~*~

Kath looks across to him, thinking to herself how happy she is and how it's still true, he is still beside her, sleeping peacefully. She has almost forgotten about the message that had been left on her phone last night until she sees it blinking as she enters the living room. She remembers the urgency that had been in Tom's voice and decides to call him back, not wishing to replay the message itself. It's not like Tom to sound that urgent and so she finds herself wondering why she didn't answer it last night, its bound to be important. She feels the anticipation building inside of her as she listens to it slowly ringing, whatever it is, it's got to be bad news. Somewhere deep inside of her she doesn't want to phone him, doesn't want to hear whatever he has to say because she knows that it will shatter the happiness in her life, something always does.
"Hello?"
"You wanted me to call you, sorry I've only just got up…"
"Kath, listen, are you sitting down?" She sits down gently on the chair, knowing instantly that its probably worse than she had originally thought, and she doesn't want to crush it all. She feels herself longing to hang up, to pretend that he didn't want to call her, to pretend its all okay, but she knows its just being selfish, whatever's wrong she has to know so that she can deal with it. Zubin has changed her so much that she's beginning to wonder if its all for the best, he has her so happy that she won't even listen to bad news for her, making her selfish. She knows its not him making her selfish, its her own thoughts, and she has to get it all back on track so that whatever it is, she can sort it.
"Oh no, what is it Tom?" He hears the worry in her voice, as if she's holding back tears and he almost regrets being the one to tell her, almost regrets phoning her that night. He knows he had to phone her, he had no choice and she had to know, Chrissie and Kath had worked together, and although they didn't always get on, he knows that, deep down inside they cared for one another.
"It's Chrissie.. she erm… she died last night" The words don't seem to sink in, don't seem to register in her mind, there is no way that Chrissie died, no way in this world that Chrissie could have. She isn't sure if she can speak any more, the tears welling in her eyes and the lump building in her throat hurts her, but not as much as the pain in her heart.
"H… How?" She asks him tearfully, she isn't sure how she even manages the words, can't see how she gets them out, but she does and as soon as he starts to explain she wishes she hadn't asked.
"She… she boarded a train at 2am this morning, it crashed… we…we did all we could Kath, we really did, I couldn't save her, when we arrived she was… she was…already dead." She can't muster any more words and so she simply puts down the receiver, falling down further into her chair, collapsing in never ending tears.
"NO!!!!!!!!!" She knows that shouting won't bring her back, that nothing can and yet she still can't believe it, it all still doesn't seem real. Why would she have boarded a train so early in the morning, she can't help but think it was all part of some sick joke? She feels Zubin kneel beside her and put his arm around her, and yet she can't even think about him anymore, the only person that is in her mind is Chrissie. Every time someone had left her she had always been so strong, but this time it's different, this time she has more regrets than ever, so many things she shouldn't have said, things she could have done differently. She knows that all the regrets are just part of grieving, she's felt it all before, so many times now that she doesn't even think it helps. She knows that all the regrets and what if's will lead her no where and that its all a vicious circle in life that you have to avoid and yet she can't help but think that it all could have been different, if only she had done things differently. Zubin pulls her closer, wrapping his arms gently around her and swaying her slightly to ease her grief-ridden sobs. He doesn't know what's gone on, he's not even sure he wants to know, but one thing he knows is, is that Kath is upset and all he wants to do is comfort her, tell her everything will be okay.
"She can't be dead" The words sound in his head like a rifle, sending his thoughts in a new direction, whatever has happened, its not something he can fix, not something that will go away quickly. He bends his face closer to hers, so that he can look deep inside those eyes, those eyes that are now so full of hurt, so full of a sudden loneliness and guilt.
"Who can't be?" He knows that maybe its best left unsaid right now, but he has to ask her, has to find out, he's never seen her like this and it scares him. Scares him that maybe she's not so strong, maybe he can't fix everything for her, it scares him because he doesn't want to be hurt, but most of all it scares him because he feels that if ever she's upset, it's his fault.
"Ch… Chrissie" She whispers softly at him, the words still so hard to find, she can't believe it still, she knows that once its truly sunk in its going to be worse, once the funeral has taken place and its all definite, that's all funerals are, a confirmation that they are gone. She lowers her head and looks at her hands as she wrings them gently.
"Zu… Zu… Zubin.. I feel so alone"
"You have to remember Kath" He lifts her head to be level with his own "Kath, listen to me, remember that you are never EVER alone, remember that for me, never ever"
"Oh Zubin, you deserve better than me!"
"But the fact remains Kath, I don't want better than you"
"I'm trying to say, I don't deserve for you to like me, I don't deserve anyone… and I hate it so much that people love me, that people want to be with me… because I'm not worth it"
"I don't know what's got this into your head, but if all this with Chrissie is causing this, I'll get you through it, your worth every second I spend with you, believe me."

~*~

Ed sits in the car, his head pounding with the constant flow of thoughts that still run through his head. He still can't understand it, still doesn't want to allow himself of grieve for her, how can he grieve for a woman that he doesn't yet believe to be dead? He still isn't sure how he can live without her as a familiar song comes onto the radio, a song that is so familiar to his feelings, a song meant for him.

No I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way
The story goes
You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow shows
Yes it shows
No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there
But then I let you go
And now it's only fair
That I should let you know
What you should know

He understands the song as if it was written for him, and only for him, he knows that deep down she had been hurting, that he had been foolish to let her go. He had never deserved a woman like her and he had lost her, lost her so easily almost as if he hadn't had her to begin with. He hadn't had her, not really, not the way that Owen had, he hadn't woken up to her every morning, he hadn't married her, and committed to her. All he was was a painful memory that ruined the happy life she had had, and he knows it, deep down inside he is still admitting it to himself.

I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore

He doesn't feel the will inside of him to carry on any longer, he had never felt it before even if he had lost her she was still there, even if she hated him. He knows that she hated him; no matter how much she tried to hide it, and why shouldn't she? He had destroyed everything for her, maybe fathered the baby that had died, the one that had caused so much hurt in so many lives. He loves her so much, even if he had told Owen that he didn't, told Owen that he didn't think of her, didn't cry over her, how foolish had he been trying to deny it to himself? He knows that no matter how many people you try and fool the hardest to fool is yourself, and he had almost managed it up until today, the day when he realised his true feelings for himself and stopped denying it. She probably would have been no different towards him had she known, but he would have felt different about it all if she had known. He hadn't realised that he had felt so strongly for her but then he realises, of course you can't love someone, it hadn't been a one night stand, or something you regret in the morning, he had felt for her something that he had never felt for anyone else, love. It hurt him so much as she grew hostile towards him, tried to block him out and yet he now understands that she had to, if you love someone as much as she did Owen then you will risk it all for them, just as he is willing to risk it all for her. He knows its stupid, selfish even, but he feels no reason to live on, his father still sits rotting away in some prison because of him, Chrissie still lies dead probably because of their stupid fling, he doesn't deserve to be alive and he knows it.

You always smile but in your eyes
Your sorrow show
Yes it shows
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't live
I can't give anymore
I can't live
If living is without you
I can't give
I can't give anymore

He knows that the song is true, maybe he can live without her, but he can't live with himself any more, not knowing all the pain and hurt he has caused everyone. Back then, way back then, he hadn't expected his whole life to have so many effects on his future, it's because of his father and his guilty conscience that led him to have that fling with Chrissie in the first place, the reason she left Owen, the reason she died. Right at this very moment he sees two options ahead of him, to end it right here, right now or to tell everyone the truth, the real reason that his father is in prison at this very moment. He hears someone coming up beside the car and opening the door, he turns around to see Tom sitting beside him, his eyes alert and wide awake despite it still only being six o clock.
"Ed, I just wanted to see if you were going to be okay, you've been sitting here for half an hour, I was worried about you."
"I'm fine, honestly" He can't seem to tell Tom the truth, doesn't know that he wants to tell Tom the truth, he's his longest friend, he's bound to try and stop him, but right now the only thing on his mind is to get it over and done with and to hurt as little people as he can.
"Look, are you sure you don't want me to take you home, I can take the day off work, honestly, its fine, if you need anyone to talk, I'm here." Ed knows that Tom is trying to be sincere, to help him and yet he doesn't want the help, he doesn't want Tom to know how he feels, what he is thinking. He shakes his head, unable to suppress any words, unable to stop himself from choking up, from crying so much that he will never be able to cry again. Just as he stops his head he feels a gentle tear flow from his eye and run down his cheek softly, he doesn't want Tom to see it, but he knows he has, he knows that Tom won't leave him alone until he knows the truth. He takes a deep breath, still not too certain about telling him, then again he want to, he wants to tell someone, just to let it all out and why not his best friend, the one who has always helped him out?

~*~

Tricia walks into the familiar room, Chrissie's coat still folded over the chair, her shoes still sitting in front of the arm chair despite Tricia having asked her to move them. These minute unnecessary things mean nothing to her, but just at this moment she hears it, playing softly from Chrissie's bedroom, a gentle melody. As she pushes open the door and sits upon the bed the words begin to hit her and she falls down onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably, is that how Chrissie really felt?

Reflections of your love
Have come to wither
I thought I'd done my best to memorize
A picture fades of you and I together
I haven't come to terms
with how we said goodbye

She knows that what she did to Chrissie was stupid, foolish, selfish even but she hoped inside her heart of hearts that Chrissie knew she loved her, that she really did care. But all at once it hits her that Chrissie never did, that she lay dying inside that train thinking that her mother didn't love her, that she didn't even care if she died. All the times she had spent with Owen, luring him in and capturing him in her tangled web, she hadn't once thought of Chrissie, what it would do to her if she found out, and now it's too late. Too late to take it all back and tell her daughter she loved her, too late to apologise for everything she ever did.

Did you really care?
Care at all for me?
Did you really care?
Did you care at all for me?

She wants to just shout out to her, tell her she did care, does care and forever will care for her one and only daughter. She knows that Chrissie had played it, just for her to hear it, for her to feel hurt, for her just to understand, but if she had known that she would die, would she have played it still? If she had known what hurt she would be putting them all through, would she still have left? The only answer she can find inside of her is yes, they deserve every bit of pain that they are feeling, but Chrissie, Chrissie didn't deserve to die. She was a good woman, who had recently experienced just what she is feeling now, loss of a child. But she knows that deep down Chrissie hadn't felt as bad as Tricia does now, she hadn't felt a failure in the upbringing of her daughter, hadn't led her daughter to die.

A displaced little girl
Wept years in silence
And whispered wishes you'd materialize
She pressed on night and day
To keep on living
And tried so many ways
To keep her soul alive

She can't go on sitting here all day, crying, even if she wants too, which she does so much she can hardly even see it as believable. Her daughter left her, without a proper goodbye, without knowing how much her mother really loved her, thinking that she hated her, just because she betrayed her once. She knows that a mother shouldn't do what she should, a mothers loyal