*~*~*

There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window

*~*~*

She lay alone in her bed, her pillow wet with tears, curled up tightly, even though it was a hot summer’s night. She just wanted to escape from life for a little while. No, not just for a little while… for a long while. If she was being perfectly honest, she’d be happy to stay here, curled up in bed, slightly too warm but otherwise fine, forever. At least here, she couldn’t be hurt. And she was always being hurt… every day, she was hurt. No one meant to hurt her, but it happened. Every time that she saw him, she was reminded of what she didn’t have, couldn’t have. And it hurt her so much, because she knew that, if she’d seized her chance, she might have had it. But now… it was too late. Too late… surely, surely, there were no words more final, more painful, in the entire English language. And, although it was so warm, she shivered suddenly.

*~*~*

There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever

*~*~*

Her mind drifted back to times that they’d had together… laughing, joking, happiness… she hadn’t had fun like that since. She had refused to remember anything about their past, she had thought that blocking the memories out would stop her hurting. But it didn’t. It just made it hurt more when memories crept into her mind again. Like now… she could remember lying there, curled up crying one night. She didn’t remember why she had been crying… that didn’t matter, anyway. All that mattered was that he had crept into the room, and had held her, letting her cry on his shoulder. But now… now, it was different. He’d let her cry on his shoulder, probably, because he would never turn her away. But he wouldn’t feel the same way that she did, and that was more than she could bear.

*~*~*

I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

*~*~*

She had tried to insist that she didn’t miss him, she didn’t want him, she didn’t need him… and it had worked for a while. But then, she had taken the job at Holby, she had known that he would be there. She had thought that she would be able to cope. But it was so much harder than it should be. She wasn’t strong enough, she thought. She wanted a stronger exterior, she didn’t want anything to be able to break her down. She had built up a wall around herself on the day that she shut the door behind him. She wanted to be able to shield herself from all the pain that she might experience. But it didn’t work like that, she’d found. She couldn’t shut the door on her emotions.

*~*~*

But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

*~*~*

She found herself drifting off into a dream world. He was there, she was there, and they were all that mattered to each other. He was holding her, kissing her, talking to her, but most of all, he loved her. She was in his arms; there was nothing else in the world, nothing. And she didn’t care about anything else. She wanted him so much, it hurt, it was a constant nagging ache inside her. When she was with him, it hurt so much to see him and not have him, to be with him and not with him at the same time. In her dreams, he acknowledged her feelings, he felt the same. Were they dreams? Or were they memories, memories of the life that she was trying so hard to forget?

*~*~*

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby, Baby

*~*~*

She had been young and in love for the first time. She had been on cloud nine, it had never seemed right that she could be so lucky. She hadn’t had a terribly happy life as a child… nothing dreadful, in fact, to many, she seemed to have the perfect life. Her parents had been rich, she’d gone to a private school, had all the opportunities that a girl could have wanted. But she had always felt that her parents were just trying to replace the fact that they were so separate from her, thinking that they could make up for years of bad parenting by giving her money. And then, overall, they had done the best thing for her… they had paid her way through school, sixth form college, medical school… They had given her all that she ever had wanted. They had let her become a surgeon. And that had let her meet him. Meet him and fall in love with him. It was the first time she had ever felt what love could really be like, what it felt like to love and be loved, and she had never been so happy. Never had been, and never would be again, she thought, wistfully.

*~*~*

If I kiss you like this
And if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this
And if you need me like that
It was dead long ago
But it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back

*~*~*

It had been so long since she had felt something for anyone. She had been numb for so long now. After being hurt so badly, she had tried to distance herself from people, she didn’t want to be hurt again. Ever. She didn’t think that she would be able to cope if she was hurt again. If she let someone else in, if she gave someone else the chance to hurt her… She didn’t want to ever be so vulnerable again. Being vulnerable meant that people might take advantage of her. After she had left him, she was a mess, and had ended up for a brief period of time with a man whom she had told herself that she loved. But he had hurt her, not just emotionally, but physically too. He had beaten her and raped her, and she blamed herself. Her pillow grew a little wetter as she thought of that time in her life.

*~*~*

There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper

*~*~*

Agreeing to dates with men she knew that he didn’t like, men who threatened his pride. He might have hurt her by not feeling the same way, but she knew that she had hurt him so much more… she had almost disregarded his friendship. And, if he was anything like her, that friendship was one of the most important things in the world. And the worst thing was, he wasn’t trying to hurt her. She had done it deliberately. What kind of woman tries, tries as hard as she possibly can, to hurt the man she loves? She’d hurt him; she had seen it in his eyes. She had hurt him as much as if she had taken a knife and stabbed him right in the heart. But he did the same to her, every day.

*~*~*

There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever

*~*~*

They had had so many hopes and dreams, all for the future. She had had them, anyway. She’d kept them secret, never daring to mention them to him, terrified that it would scare him away. But then, when he mentioned his own hopes and dreams to her, she was the one who got scared. They were similar to hers, so similar. The only difference was the timing. She hadn’t planned on it all happening so quickly. And, instead of being rational and sensible, she had simply panicked, and walked away. Pushed him away, pulled herself away. However she put it, it was her fault. And she blamed herself, every single day. It was her fault that she hadn’t walked up the aisle in a white dress, her fault that she had never held the new baby wrapped in the blanket. She wanted it so much… now. With him. She didn’t want it with anyone else, even though there was another man, several men, who had been willing to offer it to her. And she hadn’t wanted it ever before. The timing had been wrong. But the man had been right. He had been, he always would be. No one else could ever replace him.

*~*~*

But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

*~*~*

She had almost thought, when she saw him again, that maybe, just maybe, there might be something between them. But then… he’d moved on, he was getting married. And she decided, right then and there, not to think about him in that way, she would never do it again. But it is ten thousand times easier to make a promise like that than it is to keep it. Because whenever he came too close to her, if his hand rested on her arm for a moment, if he teasingly referred to her as something more than a friend, her heart began to race, and she realised that she couldn’t put her love away. But she told herself that she didn’t love him. She told herself that he was a friend, he was her best friend, and she loved him like a friend. But then her heart said no. Her heart told her that she loved him too deeply for that. She wanted to be more than friends. But it was pointless.

*~*~*

But if I touch you like this
And if you kiss me like that
It was so long ago
But it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this
And if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)

*~*~*

The phone rang, and she dragged herself up from her bed to answer it. She sniffled slightly, not wanting to sound as though she had been crying. “Hello?”

“Hi.” It was him. No… not today. Not now, she couldn’t deal with this now. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ring you, but I sat on my phone…”

“That – that’s okay.” She looked outside at the moon, wishing that she were up there, not here.

“Have you been crying?” he queried.

“No… no… why would I be crying?” she demanded. And then, suddenly, the floodgates opened again. It was hearing his voice, thinking over past memories, a combination of everything. But she was crying, and he could hear her. And he was telling her not to cry, not to worry, he’d be there any moment. She tried to dissuade him, but he wouldn’t listen. She changed her clothes, and brushed her hair quickly, not wanting to look such a mess. She didn’t want to show him that she was anything less than perfect… of course, she would never be perfect, not in her mind, anyway. But she could never let him see how vulnerable and imperfect that she had been that evening. She opened the door to him when he arrived, and he seemed to note that she was on the verge of tears, because he didn’t speak. He just held her, and let her cry.

*~*~*

There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby

*~*~*

It was nearly ten minutes later when she recovered. She had cried until she had no tears left to cry. She was in his arms, on his lap; she could feel his heart beating, feel his breath on her cheek. She was comfortable here… not happy, no, but happier.

“What’s the matter?” he wanted to know.

“Nothing,” she mumbled, her face buried in his shoulder.

“Nothing? You cry like that for nothing? Tell me. Don’t you trust me?” He rubbed her back slightly, and she almost shivered as she remembered another time that he had done that.

“Of course I do.” She wanted to cry again, but had nothing left to cry with.

“Then tell me.”

She pulled away from him slightly, her eyes red, her face tear-streaked. She knew that she looked a terrible sight, but she didn’t care. He had seen her at her worst now. He wasn’t repulsed. Surely that meant something. He repeated his question, and she looked into his eyes. “I’m in love.”

“I thought that was meant to be a happy thing,” he commented, looking slightly hurt.

She hesitated, looking away. “He doesn’t love me.” It sounded so brutal when she said it out loud.

He tightened his hold on her. “How could anyone not love you?” The tone of his voice suggested something. Something that she had never even dared to hope for.

“Maybe he does. I don’t know.” Boldly, she looked into his eyes again.

“Do I know him?”

She laid her head on his shoulder. “Yeah.”

“Who…?” he began, leaving the question half-finished.

“You.” She felt him tense up, but continued. “I’m madly in love with you. I love you so much that it hurts, it hurts so damned much, ’cause I know I’m not good enough for you, I know that you’ll never feel the same…”

He cut her off. “You love me?”

“Yeah.”

He turned her face towards his. “Good. I love you too.” As she looked amazed, he continued. “Didn’t you wonder why I rushed over to your house in the middle of the night just so that I could give you a hug?”

She just looked at him. She didn’t dare to believe it. Things like this, good things, they didn’t happen to her. Then he kissed her. And it was like nothing she had ever imagined… her wildest dreams, her most vivid memories, had never been this wonderful.

*~*~*

When you touch me like this
And when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind
But it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now

*~*~*

“You silly girl,” he whispered, tenderly.

“Silly?” she repeated, hurt.

He smiled. “Okay. You wonderful, beautiful, amazing, lovely, gorgeous girl. That good enough for you?” She smiled at him. “But you were silly… how could you not have realised that I loved you?”

“You didn’t realise that I love you,” she countered. “And what do you mean by saying ‘loved’ in the past tense?”

He kissed her before replying. “I did love you, I do love you, and I will love you. How’s that, Diane?”

“That’s perfect, Ric.”

*~*~*

If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see
Al coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now

*~*~*

Well, erm, what did you think? And should I be worried that clouds of what look like smoke are billowing from my garden?